As I contemplate the activities of my day, today and everyday, I am so grateful that God sends the messages through the Holy Spirit of what I should do...it's totally amazing to me that I can begin one thing, or head one direction in the car, with an intent and purpose, only to find that a call comes, or a need arises, or I change course without any warning. I am free to be and that is a beautiful gift in all of this pain and heartache. I am able to maneuver through the day at my pace, keep the balance, and God has given me time and resources and ability and health to do what He needs me to do. It's almost like I am having an out of body experience sometimes! I begin something, a task, a chore, an errand, and out of nowhere I will get His message...stop and write a note to someone in need, bake that cake for a friend, make the casserole, read a passage or devotional, play a certain CD with just the right song to get me through to the next minute, call a friend, right now, not later, but now. Then I find out that all these things were pertinent to my day and made a difference in theirs. God knows my purpose and I am trusting Him to guide me. It's true, I don't have the confines of going to work or any other commitment, and for that, everyone knows, I give thanks each and every day, even before I rise to meet the day. It is the true blessing in all of this, and I even whisper my thanks and love to Allison, and say, "do you know you made this happen...you gave me this gift, you give me the strength, I see your face and your approach to chemotherapy and radiation, and your love of life, and I will not disappoint you, I will live this day, for myself, for Dad, for Jen, for you, God has used you, Allison, in powerful ways and in the devastation of losing you from my physical life, God has set me free, to some extent, He is giving me new eyes and new gifts, taking me places I would never have dreamed of going, and time to explore and find myself, what a gift, what an agenda".
I don't have to know what I am doing, I am led and I am following God's agenda now, not mine, not one set for me, but His, and as I let go and trust Him to work it all out, there is freedom and peace that passes all understanding. I don't question anymore, I don't need to worry, He has it all covered and it has always been taken care of, it just took these experiences for me to understand more fully and clearly.
Today's agenda involves whatever He has planned for me.
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