Can't Compare

I woke up thinking and praying for those in need, at least the ones I am aware of at this time. I always end up by asking God to bless those not mentioned because He knows what their trials and burdens truly are, what they walk through, not me. The good news of the day is that He does know and He cares and He doesn't want to see the trials we face, but life is not without its share of burdens. We are all going to face the tribulations of this world, loss, pain, illness, death. As I write that I wonder if to some that sounds morbid. To me, it does not because it is truth. We just won't escape it, and while some folks seem to think they receive more than others, more than their portion, more than they themselves think they deserve, we know that bad things happen to "good" people.

This morning I awakened with the faces of many, some to be named, many just carried in my heart. It's no wonder it feels as if it is breaking these days, but I am learning the ultimate lesson of releasing my concerns and pain for others to the very capable hands of the Lord, just as I began the process just three short years ago to understand that I am not the one in control, I cannot keep things from happening to those I care about or love, and robbing myself of sleep, nutrition, mental and emotional health is not going to cause them to get well or heal. This has been a slow process for me, but the freedom in releasing all that we are to God above is a gift that has come from the brokenness of losing my youngest daughter. No amount of worry or losing sleep or neglecting my health is going to make my, or other's situations, any different. I know that to the core of my being, yet, every time I begin to slip into thinking that I can actually make it better or take it away, I work hard to give it to God in a way that is helpful and healing for myself. Carrying the extra burden will only rob me of this moment, this glorious morning, the beautiful times with a thriving young woman, my precious living daughter, the quiet evenings with a devoted husband, the trips to a sister/best friend, the opportunity to seize the day. I may or may not be productive but I am alive and here to follow the agenda God has planned for me.

That brings me to the others whose burdens DO weigh heavy on my heart and their faces blurred into one this morning in my early awakening thoughts and prayers, and I thought about their burdens. And I thought about all those who have shared their pains, losses, worries, fears with me, and often prefacing their words with comments such as "I know this cannot compare with losing a child"...as if their burden was any less significant than mine. I understand why they say it and think it, yet, from my perspective, I have always felt that it may be so, I don't know, I don't carry their burden. Mine is mine. Ours is ours. I don't know theirs or yours, but I am willing to bet there is one. And we can't compare. Who would want to? Others wouldn't want mine, and I would not want theirs. We own what is ours to own.

So, today and everyday, as I pray for the ever growing list...the sister of a dear friend of mine (Lynn) who anxiously waits with her family for the outcome of tests, my long time friend who struggles everyday to make sense of a divorce that she would not have chosen, Carol and family who have lost the beloved patriarch of the family, suddenly and shockingly, now must rebuild life and find their way, my own brother in law who now finds great news in the medical end of his cancer diagnosis but now must face a past that will set him free, who must learn to live with cancer, who is coming into his own acceptance, and his wife, my own dear sister, who gives care and medicine and hope and love and patience and tender kindness like there is no end to the well within, to sweet Kim, whose daughter left this earth to be free from the pain within, leaving a mother to maneuver the seasons and the days in a way that brings tribute to that young life, to my dear friend who tends to parents who suffered greatly from a devastating car accident, to Chrissy, who in the midst of chemotherapy and major treatment for breast cancer found the strength to dress up for her children and make yet another Halloween memory, to my daughter who lives strong each and every day, knowing she must rebuild her own life without a sister to share the journey, being the only young person in this generation of the family, left alone to find her way, to Tina's family, who figure out how to live day by day without their mother, robbed in her twenties by a unique cancer that took her from her babies way too soon, to the countless friends who do not know how they are going to pay the mortgage or provide a Christmas due to loss of job, to dear Esther, who is finding end of life stages to be quite challenging but perseveres with the smile and spirit that taught so many students and adults how to live, to my husband, who works hard, never misses a day, provides the strength this family needs, is a role model for his living daughter, all as his own heart breaks and tears spring at the mere mention of his deceased daughter's name, to CJ's family, for the never ending "paying it forward" for childhood cancers in the sweet memory of their boy, taken way too soon, to Erica and Jamie, who knew their daughter for three days, and had to bury a child before they could make a life for her, for Lauren and Gregg, who devote time and energy to their living children while mourning the loss and the life of their sweet Lily, to Donna, who now knows the time has mounted and add up to more years without her beloved Tina than she had with her...to the endless list and countless names. It never ends. It never will. And all we have is this day and our ability to respond.

I share this short quote frequently and I read it daily as my reminder that when I am troubled and burdened and feel so very alone (and I often do!) that I am just a snippet, that my pain and tears, while most devastating at the time, are blended with many others. God has His hands full. But He is good. He knows what we need even when we do not. He will provide.

"O God, your sea is so great and my boat is so small. Be with me."