BUZZ WORDS

In education, my chosen career path, there were so many "buzz words" that kept cropping up. Those of us in the "business" would use them and know just what we were referring to, and too often, we would use those words in front of parents or "non educators", leaving them with a dazed or confused look. It's not that we meant to, we just did it, and then, upon realizing what we were doing, would step back and attempt to explain or define the terms. Buzz words became part of our universal vocabulary. I'm certain that occurred in other areas of work, also, it's just that education is my only point of reference. Plus, I was in the field and schools long enough that I began to see and hear the terms resurface, return, as if they were something new to grasp. Indeed, it must have been time to let that part of my life go, thank you God and Allison for the gift of retirement. I no longer know the buzz words and that is fine by me!

But, now, I have my own set of buzz words. I am in a league of my own, in a way, yet, in a field of many. I try not to say that "grief" defines me now, but in many ways, it does. It does, because when my world was shifted, I had to relearn just about everything. To the ones who don't know what I mean, I am glad for you. To those who do, well, no explanation is needed. I most likely couldn't describe it if I tried. But the "buzz words" exist, IN and OUT of my circle, my pain, my field of view. From the outside, and from the inside, the "buzz words" get thrown out there, and as I live through the losses of life, and I do mean LIVE (or attempt to:), I hear them used more and more. I read about them. I try to identify whether any of them describe me. I try to comprehend the definition and ask myself where I fit on the spectrum. Sometimes I cannot help myself from being the teacher I once was, and I try to look at this from a logical perspective. Yet, my heart screams out, there is nothing logical about this at all.

Maybe the "buzz words" of grief are meant to help us as we alter the balance and shift to adjust to this way of life that has been ours to bear. Maybe they are meant to give us hope. Maybe, we pray, there is a timeline and one day I will reach the "healing" that is described in all the books, manuals, and discussed in all the therapies. Just maybe some of these words, the words I term "buzz words" of grief...shock, denial, acceptance, healing...just maybe they are there to give us hope. Maybe the definition of each one is meant to give us guidance and something to cling to when we don't know who we are, let alone, where we are going. Maybe the words are simply there to be used when no one else knows what to say. Maybe they sound intelligent and sophisticated, and provide us a means of conversation. But, maybe, they leave us dazed and confused, like the parents who listened to us educators as we threw out the "buzz words" like they were something we should all understand.

I have been asked by friends or loved ones...Have you found the acceptance? Are you healing? Is the shock still with you? Did you go through denial? Were you angry? Are you angry now? In many cases, they want the reassurance that I just don't know how to give them, and in other cases, they are grieving, too, and look for answers that may provide them with a timeframe, a path of hope and relief, or a deeper understanding that they will not have to feel like this forever. There are no answers, other than we all find ourselves at different places at different times. As today dawned, and I felt the presence of my "birthday girl" so profoundly, I knew I would be "okay" today. I feel that the tears of this week have passed. At least for now. And maybe through her 26th birthday tomorrow. But, ask me later today, when I should be wrapping her gifts, or making her cake, and there might be a different answer. There also might not! I just don't know. That's why I live in the moment I have, because I just do not know. What I do know is that I have my coping ways, skills, strategies, and yes, even my own "buzz words" to get me through. I have but one choice, and that is to keep going, my way, the path that works best for me, just as each individual grieving person does...and that is something no book has taught me, no person has taught me, nothing has shown me how to do this, only my heart, connected to hers, and connected to my living family, and from the grace of God, who keeps the lessons strong. I am learning...with or without buzz words!