Remembering

Many weeks ago, I began to whisper to God, to Allison, to all the angels above to please help me through what I knew would become grueling, memory filled days, all the "lasts" so to speak. I had already experienced what "triggers" and anniversaries of sorts can do to one's soul, heart, being since losing my mother then my father. I knew the last 11-week journey would be difficult to say the least but I knew I would work through it as I have for the last two years, my way, and with the support of a loving husband and daughter. I also knew I would not retreat, for there is life to be lived, people to enjoy, experiences to gain, and everything to learn. I know to appreciate the fluffy pink sunset differently, and to praise God that the day has dawned, I know to concentrate on what I do have, rather than what I do not, to bask in the greatness of the fact that I am alive, and can walk, breathe, and talk. I know how to find the blessings and be grateful and to take a trip or a walk or talk with a dear friend. I strive to keep this house alive by the occasional group or individuals who visit and I have truly appreciated the taste of fine wine! I savor the meals at the dining table or find joy when Joe can laugh, or Jennifer shares her day. I don't want to miss a minute of life, yet, realistically, there are times, when the heartache and pain of loss tries to infiltrate, and sometimes I let it. I hold my knees and cry, or cry in someone's arms, or see special and varying types of healing therapists, just so I know I am living, trying, paying honor to who I am and who my deceased daughter was...all in the name of finding my way, NOT moving on, that will never happen, NOT letting go completely, but loosening the grip, freeing Allison to be the spirit she was destined to become and allowing me to live this moment that has been given, for I have learned, this moment is all we truly have...savoring it has become my breath and my way of living. I don't look ahead and I try not to look back, yet, still, on this day, part of me cannot help but look back to another January 8th, in 2007, when Allison spent her last day and night with us, her family never knowing that when the morning dawned on January 9, God would hear our cries, her cries, her pain, and bring her to His sweet kingdom.

So, today, is really a significant day, it is bittersweet and it carries many memories. Some I feel so deeply, others I replay in my mind, not necessarily intentional, but because they come and rest in my heart. I will live it with what would seem some normalcy, tending to my day the same way I do every day. Any observer would never know how I long to have the opportunity for one more day, how I woke up with tears on my lashes, how my body is responding. No one would know unless they were me.

I share this poem, brought to me by a dear friend on the anniversary of Allison's last night at home, December 29th, simple and sweet, minimal words, but it says so much, written and adapted by a family member of hers.

REMEMBERING

Who can fill this void? No One
Who can comfort us now? Everyone
What can we do to right past wrongs? Nothing
What would we give to see them again? Everything
When do we not feel their loss? No Day
When do we miss their loving smiles? Everyday
Where can we go to forget? Nowhere
Where can we go to remember? Everywhere
Why do we not say more? No words
Why does faith say it all? Every word

Remembering Allison this day, with love and hope to all reading this message, Kathy