March Rolls In

A new month, again. How does it happen that another month can be upon us so quickly when I barely know where the last one went? Or where the last year went, for that matter. So often, I can barely comprehend what month it is, let alone what year it is, for in some sense, time stood still in January of 2007. I am told that is going to change, that at some point, not all my memories and stories will revolve around "that day", or the weeks leading up to it when we learned what it meant to deal with cancer, directly and head on, with no letting go, relentless and gripping, until finally, it stopped, and Allison was free. I am told that other memories will surface, of happier times, of days on the beach in Hull as little girls, two sisters building sandcastles and being buried in the sand by an uncle or a father. I am told that I will hear the laughter of a teenager who had the vibrancy and tenacity that kept her energized and busy. I am told that I will smile at the memories of mother and daughters shopping for Easter dresses and making our way to a favorite tearoom for lunch. I am told a lot of things, and I believe they will come. But in rages March and the pain mixed with the smiles, is almost a contradiction that my soul cannot bear, the tears spend time collecting and ready to shed at the mere mention of spring, of seeing the colors bloom on the horizon, of feeling the warm tease of summer in a spring breeze, of noticing all the flip-flops coming out just in time for her birthday, a birthday that now has to be celebrated differently.

A birthday this month that would hold 24 candles...how amazing and still surreal that she is not here to celebrate in the physical sense. How incredibly difficult it is to celebrate without her. But we must and we do. We don't make it elaborate, we will weave her favorites into our day, in honor and memory of her. We most definitely enjoy her favorite white cake and chocolate icing at some perfect point. We will light her memory candle and let it shine. We may toast her, we may remain quiet and subdued, we will pay homage in donations the way that helps us be closer to her, her favorite charities and her new found scholarship. We will donate books to a school library and we will just know how pleased she would be that we are giving back. We may buy flip flops for others who cannot, or we may create a spring basket and raffle it for the upcoming Relay For Life. We may cry, we may not, we will mourn, but we will live. We will respond and bring a smile to her soul as she knows we have not forgotten, and never, ever will.

The March weather came in like a lion, and so, the story goes, will go out like a lamb. I am counting on that and asking God to help it be true!