HOPE

Hope is that beautiful word that we cling to when there is life, breath, air, a new corner, a new chance, a new way, and no matter what the circumstance, there is always hope and clinging to it gets us where we need to go. God promises hope through a multitude of scriptures that provide a pathway for me to keep trying, to keep moving, to keep living. I am thankful for the passages that have become my road map.

Today, I just share a simple quote I have read in one of my favorite healing books, the one other than the bible, the one that I can read and reflect upon, intently, and I can relate to as I find my way to healing after loss.

"So often, we believe that we have come to a place that is void of hope and void of possibilities, only to find that it is in that very hopelessness that allows us to hit bottom, give up our illusion of control, turn it over, and ask for help. Out of the ashes of hopelessness comes the fire of our HOPE", by Anne Wilson Schaef.

Sometimes the thought or prospect of any motion or movement is unthinkable, even now, life sometimes seems to have stopped in its tracks. It is too difficult to look ahead and it is too difficult to look back. Perhaps that is why I still make all plans "contingent" and not set in stone. My commitments are few, and I have learned that is my right, in this journey that is all too foreign. Sure, well meaning friends and loved ones encourage and even share that Allison would want me to do a certain thing, dance again, laugh again, be the "old" Kathy. But I am not that person, rather a new, emerging Kathy is taking shape, with snippets of the spirit I had before, blended with a newness and a freshness. I look around and I see and feel and hear differently, the senses are alive, but in a new way. I can leave the darkness of grief behind and begin anew, noticing all that is before me, a friend who has been waiting all this time to have dinner, a walk to the library, time on the deck with my husband, new hobbies, entertaining and cooking for others, cozy times with Barkley, the chance to breathe in the air and enjoy the wonder of a morning such as this, shopping with Jennifer...it's all there, waiting, as my restless heart stops and knows I cannot stay in this same spot of grief forever. I have the fire of hope that comes from the ashes of hopelessness! I have a daughter who left such a legacy that I can never complain, never take for granted, and never be the same. Hope keeps me from getting stuck, hope spurs me to be a better mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend, contributor, caregiver, nurturer. Hope is that eternal gift, wrapped in the smile of our daughters, framed for eternity, guiding and giving reason to live. As long as their is life, and now I know, even when that life has changed, and takes form in the spirit of forever, there is hope, and as long as their is hope, there is life...the spiral takes on new form and changes, but is just that, a beautiful continuum on which we travel and evolve and live.

Without hope, I would remain stagnant, caught in my own transgressions and grief, my own pity and pain, my own brokenness. But with hope, I can find my way, give up that "illusion of control", know that a better moment is coming, find peace in comfort in God's own true word that all is temporal, that nothing is for long, that this too shall pass, and there is reason to live, breathe, believe.