Connections and Confidence

The connections of late just confirm for me, once again, that this thing called life is bigger and more encompassing than any of us realize. Yes, I knew that when our daughter left us after such a short 11 week battle with small cell lung cancer my life would never be the same. But never, ever would I have imagined the people who have walked in and out of my path since that moment. While I sensed there was definitely a "purpose" to this, that God was using Allison in powerful ways, and hence, her family, I could never imagine what would lie ahead. As odd as it seems, that while my heart aches and pains to have this go away (as I have shared many times over), I know at some deep level that God is using our family, Allison's story, and the facts/statistics that go with it, to make a difference in the lives of many. I pray each day, because things happen so fast, that God will settle me down, give me the breath to take it as it comes, and to not get ahead of myself or look back, especially during those times when it would be so much easier to succumb and lie down, let it all just be. I must honestly say I don't want this to be me at times. If I had the choice of road travelled, this would not be it. But it is, and I must, and God is making it very clear that the connections are happening for His reasons and He is giving me the confidence to take the steps of living what has been clearly designed.

I am still learning. I suppose I always will be...I used to call it the awkward dance, none of us knowing where to sit at family dinners, where to stand in family snapshots, what to do about the missing link. I still feel that tug in my heart at the empty chair, or when sisters should be together, cousins should be interacting with one another and amidst the smiles of three, our family pictures have a very profound, missing element. All patterns have shifted, I feel like I am swaying, the melodies are unfamiliar, this is still foreign territory. This is the lesson plan that never unfolds, but God knows I am trying to learn it. I ask Him each day, many times a day, to help me learn, know and be the person He desires through all of this, to show me what I am supposed to do, to help me look at these opportunities and new people in my life as the purpose behind the loss. He never fails me, in fact, He keeps sending me the signs, sometimes so much so that then I have to pray He lets me have some relief!

That is how it has been lately. The connections do not stop, the wonderment of Allison's story is about to unfold in ways I could never have imagined. She is impacting people that I don't even know, nor have ever heard of, in this country and out. And I am overwhelmed to be her mother. I am in awe of the changes people are making or the reaching out to a mother who understands, just as they try to cope with the loss of a child, any age, any circumstance. I smiled when a friend called yesterday to say she would be running the first 5K Lung Cancer Race in St. Louis where we will be out to support the local efforts, and not only running, but the day she got my e-mail her cigarettes went in the trash. She and others are going to breathe easier because of Allison. What a wondrous and loving God who keeps sending me messages that while Allison is free of her pain, she is helping others do what is best for them. What an amazing journey we are having when we look at the life in a new day. How many lives will change when Allison's story comes to light and lung cancer statistics are shared because of her, when Lung Cancer Awareness Month arrives in November and her story is shared on a local radio station, when lives are changed by one simple invitation to a race. My mother always said, God works in mysterious ways, and I agree, but adding, wondrous and loving ways. He is providing the answers, the connections and the confidence so that we can make movement through this journey.

I can never claim to be the one to take any "credit" if such credit seems due for the strength and knowledge and understanding of how to find my way through this loss. I can never take credit for the fact that I am Allison's mother, left to be a role model for my surviving and living daughter, a caretaker and loving supporter of my husband, or the "go to" person for other grieving mothers. This is not me, knowing what to do, this is God, knowing what I need, choosing me, us, Allison, her family and friends to be the ones left and honor her, but honoring Him first. I praise Him for the simple things, like getting me up in the morning, giving me strength and desire to approach the day, for resources to be able to contribute and support other efforts, for a home where people feel welcome and comfortable to come and cry or share or laugh or celebrate, for family and friends who support us from afar, either by contributing to the memorial cookbook, walking in the fun/run, remembering that autumn is painful, oh so difficult, with each falling leaf.

It is heavy going sometimes, but through the connections and confidence, I will find my way, carrying with me the strength of my loved ones, and the grace and dignity of a daughter who paved the way through her perseverance and love of life.