If I am honest, and I must be, there is a restlessness to me right now, these days, where I am unsettled and just don't feel the harmony of life. Often times, most times, I do. I can grapple with the feeling of uncertainty, the perpetual wave that roars through my body, sending many messages...joy, grief, carefree times, burdensome moments, some nauseous moments, still searching for that "food" that will settle me a bit, some joyful moments, ever so thankful to be alive to share in the beauty of all that is, some gut wrenching moments when I wonder just what the lessons are to be about, and then some quiet or subtle blessing that makes me understand my purpose...I can feel it all in a matter of the same hour and I can balance it, find the harmony, and know what I need when the mood changes and descends like a dark cloud. I have learned that it is "okay" to be in that place, to visit it, to hold it, to embrace it, and then to put aside, as though it were to sit on a shelf, waiting to be caressed again. I may not have come to that on my own, but I am learning through the many therapies of this healing journey just what works for me, and for me alone.
My restlessness comes from many places. Recently, I have become a Facebook Junkie, and though I keep thinking I will take my page off (for reasons known only to me), I find I don't, or can't, or won't. That's why I think I may be addicted! But in the faces on the pages that I love keeping up with, I see so much, and there is so much I don't see. I am a proponent of focusing each and every day on what I DO have rather than what I do NOT, but I must admit, when I "see" certain things, my heart, soul and mind go places....places that I find I must go in order to move through the multiple strands of this thing called grief. I see the faces of Allison's friends and how their lives are unfolding, some at the age of marrying, having babies and on the threshold of new careers. I see the group shots of the parties and the gatherings and I search the faces, still expecting to see her in a crowd. She should be there. She should be here. She should be in this life. But she is not. And it makes me weep to not know what could have been, what should have been, and what will never be...it causes me restlessness as I sort out and move toward acceptance that she will not be texting, messaging or sending me photos of her life. And the restlessness causes me to grapple with the newfound stages of loss.
It is rough going and it never ends. It never will. This I am learning. But it changes and evolves and becomes different, I can't say better, and I wonder if I ever will. What I do know, though, is in order to curb the restlessness and pain, and loss and fatigue that comes with it, I must be in tune with myself. I must be still and listen to the stillness inside. I must follow my heart and the gentle spirit that leads. I must pick up the phone and call that person who I have put off calling for far too long, I must take that walk so that I can be one step closer to walking the 5K for Lung Cancer in November, I must take that step into the kitchen and create a new masterpiece or a familiar dessert, I must involve myself in giving back and working on a cookbook to fund Allison's scholarship, I must play and listen to the music that has the message I need, I must assist a daughter who is excited and motivated to move into a place she can call her own, and I must go to the nursery and select the mums to compliment the landscape. I must be productive and move into a different frame of mind. I must visit the place of grief and then get up, put one foot in front of the other and live. I must and I will and I do. I am restless but I am productive, in the name of God who gave me this opportunity to be here and live this day and moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment