No Manual, No Handbook

There is certainly no handbook or manual that exists that can help any of us know what to do or how to do it when it comes to LIFE and all its experiences. That thought has crossed my mind so often, lately, as I view the news and hear of mothers and fathers not knowing where there children are for years, of young ladies kidnapped only to return to society with some form of resilience that most of us cannot comprehend, how one young lady spoke of being raped more than four times a day while being held captive for months, and now, to speak of it with dignity and grace with an eye on the future. The examples are many and I draw strength from each one. I seem to hear the stories differently than had I not walked in my own experiences, and while burdens cannot be compared, I am inspired to keep going by those stories, the public stories, and the quiet stories, the ones that go on in our own backyard, our own family, our own home.

In younger years, and in what I know now as lighter years, I certainly recall thinking about the manual of life. I wondered where it was when I had all the textbook knowledge a person could hold at the time, graduated, and entered my first classroom of third graders. Nothing in those classes prepared me for the 28 smiling faces, sitting in desks, waiting to be taught! Could they have known they were about to teach me perhaps more than I would ever teach them?! What I learned is there is no page 22 to go home and read up on and figure out how to meet each one of them where they were coming from, help them achieve, cope with their behaviors, meet with their parents, and teach them all the objectives of the grade level! Fast forward many years, to a sixth grade class who really didn't want to be taught, who were NOT sitting smiling in seats, rather disgruntled, tired, angry, hungry, standing up, throwing things, verbally assaulting each other, then tell me I didn't need a manual to help me find my way, but again, no class or lesson or textbook prepared me for that one! But through the grace of God, and prior experience, and learning from mentors AND experience, I didn't need the handbook! I found my way.

I found my way through marriage (where there certainly is no manual), childbirth, again, who is really prepared for that, and the intense delivery of a firstborn child, who was wisked away to an intensive care unit for the first eight days of life, never held by her mother in another hospital, on the other side of town. My arms longed for her, to touch her, to see her, to know she was fine, and I recall that ache like it was yesterday and not 27 years ago. Much like my arms and heart and soul ache today, and everyday. I ask God if it will go away, will it always be like this, will I just die from the ache? This ache, while similiar, is different, because I have to come to terms with the fact that our second born daughter is gone from our grasp, sight, and arms. I cannot touch, smell, hear, hold her ever again. And there is no manual for that. There is no one outlining what needs to be done, there is no script, no page 45 to read, there is nothing that lets a mother know how to be prepared, or to deal with, the loss of a child. So, as in all aspects of life, I find my way. God has provided endless scriptures to assist me in ways I would have never dreamed possible, perhaps right there, that is my manual, my compass, my guide. He sends the words that I need most at the time, He sends the people or person I can be myself with, who I can talk with and cry if I need to, laugh when I can. He knows what I need when I have no idea what that could be and He provides. But I have to work at it, too, and open the Bible, read and heed the words, speak to the people he sends, open my eyes to the signs, and live. He knows, during these days, especially, that tears spring and do not stop, that I cry in my sleep, and I feel the reminders of these days and "anniversaries" so intently. But all I need to do is ask, and He is there, ask and you shall receive.

I know that grief and pain are part of me, just as my smile and zest for life, is also. I know I have earned them and that only in feeling and experiencing them do I open myself to the lessons. I have known that all along, just as in simpler times, I knew one experience prepared me for the next and the next and the next. God works that way. We don't know what He is preparing us for, but when we are there, we can have our AH HA moment, and say a grateful prayer, thank you God for taking me down this road, I see your purpose and your knowledge is greater than mine. All along, I never needed a handbook, He was always there.