The Faces of Lung Cancer

When we realized that small cell lung cancer could possibly take the life of our beloved daughter, it was a monumental, life altering moment. We had to face many facts and little did we know what would lie ahead, in the months, and now years, two already, to come. It is too mind boggling to even say two years, for in my heart and soul, it feels like today. My soul feels the same that it did that day, an aching, pounding, surreal fog has enveloped me from the outside to the inner core. I look in my own eyes, and see hers, or I see clear, crisp, bright green, cleansed with fresh tears or confused by all that has happened. I don't climb into bed or arise in the morning without feeling the same as I did that night and in all the days to come for 24 months. I have a restless, anxiousness to life, yet at the same time, a peace that passes understanding. I do not ask why or how...there would be no answers anyway. I pray, I ask God to hold me up, I ask God to keep me focused, I live to honor the moment that is now and I find the beauty in the gift that God heard our utter cry for release. I live to make her proud of the legacy she left, one of will, faith, hope and determination, grace and goodness, and no complaining!

Yet, I am perplexed, this day, as I finally posted a photograph of Allison Marie Haake on the lung cancer alliance website, www.lungcanceralliance.org, a picture of one of the faces of lung cancer. Perplexed and still overwhelmed that this disease attacked, raged and took her from us. Still shocked, in some ways, that her face is one of a lung cancer statistic. I have wanted to post her picture for some time, don't ask me why. As painful as it is, she needed to be there and has a story to be told. I guess I want others to see the life in her eyes and in her smile, the very radiance that still permeates her family's lives, that inspires those who knew her and even those who didn't. I want others to remember her, share a story, say her name, recall a memory, or look into her eyes and find the strength to face their own challenges. I want others to know what is in my heart, she did not die, she lives on in those who will someday reveal the whole story.

As I look at the website and all the faces of lung cancer, hers now blended with theirs, I know each has a story. Their pictures don't need to be posted for me to know that for everyone we meet has a story. Telling them and hearing them gives us each a little more hope to carry our own burdens, a little more faith that all will work for good when God is at the helm, a little more peace that this is all temporal and shall pass in a moment. The glory of the sunrise on that January 9th morning, with the beams of light entering in brilliant, vibrant colors, assuring us that God is in control, that we can let go and let Him carry our burdens, reminds me that while her face now sits with the hundreds of others, it is also beaming that smile, giving me reason to carry on, keep the faith, and cherish the time with my living child, my husband, my family and friends, and myself.