TIME

There is a season for everything, and I live by the understanding, as promised in Ecclesiastes, a time for everything under heaven. A time to mourn, a time to laugh, a time to weep, a time to plant...my paraphrases, obviously! It leads me to think of time this day, time to be, time to do, time to stay productive, time to be lazy, time to savor the hot chocolate this morning, time to set goals, time to fill with a full day ahead to do so. I have been known to look back in time, ahead, or view the moment I am in, the present, this moment. That is where I like to be, now. Not that I don't enjoy the memories, I do. Not that I don't like to plan the future, I do. In fact, I love it best when I am in the planning stages of some special occasion, a trip, a get together, an event or function. I like to fill my time, but in the months since Allison passed away from us, I also like to savor it. I never knew coffee could taste so good or time could be so precious when I wasn't rushing to work for an early morning meeting, juggling the school day, going to class at night, teaching Sunday School, attending the girls' activities, being a Girl Scout leader. Not that I didn't enjoy all of that, in fact, thrived on it, exhilerated by the next opportunity to be in this life. Now, my time is spent in different ways and I am adjusting. I like it, I am thankful, I am not bored, I am productive (in my own way) and I am healing. That is my full-time job now, healing and understanding what precious time really means, and filling it with positive energy from my own agenda. I get to choose how to spend this time and with whom. I am thankful I get the chance to face life on my own terms...another lesson from loss. Suddenly, all the other things do not matter anymore, all the running and doing and meeting others expectations of me. What a precious gift! Yes, gifts DO come from intense loss. Some days I have to look so intently to find them, but mostly, they are in simple form. They are the morning sun streaming across my book, Barkley needing his 9:30 a.m. walk, the sky opening up with streams of whispy clouds, the pink glow on the house most evenings as the sun sets, the extra hour of sleep that I had yearned for all those years, the big, cushy robe from Jennifer and Allison that I can stay in as long as I want, the new music I am learning to love, the online opportunities for healing and strength, and the friends and family who bring me energy. Sometimes I ask God if this is part of the lesson I am supposed to be learning? To find comfort in time, not needing to fill every moment, but to explore and find a world out here that I never knew before, that being alone at times is very good for the soul, and that I am in my happy place when I am by myself. Not that I could become a recluse, but to balance alone time with family time and selected social engagements. I trust God to show me what I am supposed to know, even in the moments when I cry out to Him to help me get to the next minute in time, to help me find peace, to show me the way of doing this. It's all so foreign, still, and I suppose when one has lived over 50 years one way, and is "forced" to live life another way, it takes adjustments and acceptance. I am learning to be patient and thankful for this day, this gift of time, that so many would like to have, to savor the small things, find the blessings, and embrace this moment. The quiet, empty bedroom is my physical reminder that time is so short, we live, and we are gone. Needless to say, my hollow heart also tells me that with every beat. So, it is my daily pledge to God and myself, that I will live this day, I will fill this moment and I will live while I can.