We wake up and we get to choose how our day will run, well, mostly, at least we get to choose with which attitude we will prevail. We don't get to select the situations, happenings, or even what gets handed to us. We don't get to choose how it unfolds, even, but we do have a hand in the response. We get to respond, and that is the beauty. Those thoughts come to mind, this day, when I remember, with jubilation, Allison's celebration of life service, two years ago this day. Jubilation because she was free, free from any worry, loss, pain, anxiety, free from any uncertain future, free from the cancer that I always say, never defined her. She found her way to accept that she would leave this earth and live in spirit with a loving God, whom she trusted to make the right decisions for her. She celebrated life, each day, and I can still hear her, as part of her legacy, her often stated comment, "I love my life". She truly did, so it was appropriate that we celebrated it as such, and we did our best. God sent us angels in the form of many friends and family members whose time and talents were needed to plan and prepare the Saturday we would gather in His name, and celebrate her. I still have the sense of peace in how we honored a life, one little speck of a life in all of mankind, yet a celebration that is etched in my mind and heart forever. As we sorted out ideas and plans, the "angels" heard us, helped us and we prepared. We gathered and sent her "safely home" with dignity. Several pastors gathered and lent their own renditions and ways of driving the point home to all of us that God gives us ALL the gift of salvation through His own grace, and we all had the sweet assurance that the gift was ours for the taking. There was laughter and joy and balloons and cake. There were serious moments, and there were stories, shared by eloquent storytellers. The music was beautiful and there was peace. The scriptures read held promise and hope for all of us as believers, and even those who were not. It was a day in the life...and it was wondrous, made more so by the blend of those gathered from all walks of life, all there to support us and say good-bye to Allison. The ice forming only added to the novelty of it looking just like a new england day right here in the midwest! There was elation and hope and beauty and purity. And there still is, only it takes work to retrieve it and "maneuver" through the pain. I never knew that living without her would be more difficult than saying good-bye....I never knew until I have walked in these shoes for two years, awakened in the night, still sometimes reeling from the shock that our daughter's life was taken by cancer. I never knew until I found that I cannot call her to tell her the latest family news or share a story. I never knew until I think I hear her calling my name from her room, only to find it is a dream or a long ago memory. I just never knew.
What I do know is that this is our particular "trial", if you will. Everyone carries one and shoulders burdens and loss. And loss comes in various forms, this I know...divorce, a husband leaving his family, jobs, children who live but do not visit their parents, those walking with mental illness, or chronic illness. I listened to Patrick Swayze as he spoke of getting up hours and hours before he had to be on the set of his new television show just to get the "plumbing" ready for the day. Some folks I know can relate. I recall a time when that was me, only not to that extreme, but getting up hours before work just so the body would move through fibromyalgia, just so I could walk that day...still, I knew, to be grateful and thankful, that life can be worse. And it always can. Sometimes, in the darkness of my own despair and loss, I can selfishly, for a minute, believe that nothing is worse than this walk, but then God, and Allison's spirit snap me into reality, I hear that whisper, I find that spark, I affirm that I am right where God intends, I watch the story unfold and I find the answers. I believe that is the key to moving through whatever suffering is ours to bear, and I am thankful, grateful for the life I DO have, because I do have this day, this moment, this life. Through the challenging times I can find the blessings, the celebrations that don't need to wait until I am gone, that can happen right now. I can drink the good wine first! I can travel to my favorite places. I can watch the sun rise and set, I can bake a cake for a neighbor, I can find a project, I can make coffee and sit and chat with Jennifer, or take her out to lunch, I can make happy and healthy meals for Joe, I can walk and pamper the dog, I can go back to work, should I ever desire to do so, and I can whisper the profound statement of my youngest daughter, "I love my life".
I miss her so, as I recapture the beauty of her service, filled with celebration and love, but I am blessed with the sweet assurance of her ascension to her place in eternity. And with each passing day, I find getting to know her through her spirit, rather than the physical presence, is a joy to behold!
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