Trials, troubles, grief and sadness...we just cannot avoid them. None of us can. At times we cannot imagine what we ourselves are facing, other times, our hearts ache and cry out for others, because we just cannot imagine what would happen if those were OUR burdens to bear. So, life becomes one big circle, we are born, we live, we die. And often, until something life changing happens, we don't really stop to think of our own mortality. Why would we? We are too busy living!
This week, as in many weeks and months over the years, I have thought about and prayed for Elizabeth Edwards and her family. She has always been "just a regular person" to me, especially as we watch her raise her children, bury her beloved Wade, face public scrutiny, know betrayal in one of its greatest forms, and of course, wage a battle of cancer. She is every woman's woman, I guess I'd say. The reason? So many of us can relate to her in one form or another. She has always seemed "human" in the public eye. And, many of us were endeared to her for the way she responded to tragedy and adversity for the sake of her children.
I have seen several interviews but most of all the ones she shared with Matt L. on the Today Show. Not long ago, or so it seemed to me, she spoke of how easy it is to give thanks and praise when things in life are going well, it's when the troubles settle that we grow stronger and find our blessings. I'm paraphrasing! But, I related because I find that to be true, also. I have found that the blessings just show themselves more as every one of the five senses become more alive, especially when they are either taken away, or seem to be...I also related to her when she spoke and wrote of her son's death. Of course, I didn't ever know her personally, but through her books, especially the chapters on this devastating occurrence in one's life, I felt she was a friend and confidant when I didn't know how to go on or who to turn to...so, yes, I feel a sense of loss now that she is gone. I'm sure I am one of many.
I have always thought of how to respond to this thing called grief, loss. I have approached it from many angles. Those that know me intimately know that Joe and I have chosen to respond with the strength and dignity not only Allison deserves, but for the sake of our living daughter, we will live on, and we will honor both daughters. That is not to say we put on a happy face when we aren't. That is not to say that it doesn't take work and plenty of it. That is not to say that sometimes we are so deep in the valley that a "peak" seems unreachable. That is not to say there are days or weeks of silence. That is not to say we are not brought to our knees in tears and angst. And that is not to say that we are limited on what we can do socially. But, again, for the sake of our Jennifer, and our marriage, and our family members, we do our best. That's all God expects and it is through Him that I find my strength, my purpose, my way through the troubles.
Troubles and trials teach us so much. There is the saying we all know...."when the going gets tough, the tough get going"...sometimes I believe that is so true. WE get going, or sometimes we get paralyzed. Sometimes we make a bit of movement only to realize we were not ready for that, and other times it is the exact nature of the "trouble" that motivates us. Hard to explain, but troubles DO make us stronger.
Recently, in light of the shadow of Elizabeth Edwards' life and beliefs, and in reflection of my status of loss and grief, I wondered what life would be without them, those troubles and trials. And in light of my current situation and life changes, I wonder if I still even know what trouble is....yes, my heart screams out, yes, you do. This pain. This incessant ache. This missing part to what once was, my Allison gone. My Allison died. My Allison buried. Yes, I know trouble and I know pain. Maybe not like others. For sure, not like others. Through my pain, I can see my blessings clearly. I have a family coming for Christmas. I can go to the grocery or department stores and purchase items within reason and within a budget. I have a paycheck coming at the end of the month. I can pay my bills. I have heat. I am loved. I am not starving, far from it. I have resources. I can help the needy and give of my time. I could, if I chose, buy a $4.00 cup of coffee! I could list my blessings all day and the list would go on an on. Yes, there are blessings in the trials, in the troubles, in the grief and in the sadness.
I have come to know that it is how we view our troubles that makes all the difference. I cannot say I agree with the scripture from James 1:2, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials". But I can say, I have learned from it. I can say that up until Allison's passing I didn't know a trial. I THOUGHT I did...seriously? I thought I did. That was all nothing, but what it WAS, was a preparation. A preparation for the next one and the next one. And there will be next ones, and more to come.
Of all the things we could say about our troubles and our trials, I do know one thing. God sees them as tests that reveal our true selves. It's a sure thing that in trouble, the REAL me becomes apparent very quickly. There is nothing lke trouble to reveal oneself! Until them, we can carry on an existence and even fool ourselves, and maybe others, about our true nature. It is when trouble comes knocking that our friends, our spouses, our children find out what we are really like. But most of all, and perhaps even unsettling at times, it forces us to start seeing ourselves for what we really are...
I can't say I am thankful today for the trials, the troubles, the grief and the sadness, but what I can say is that I can see the blessings, and the vision has become sharper since my child left this world. I know that I can feel her spirited smile, the one that never left her face on earth, shine on me this moment, maybe not the whole day, I don't know yet, but for this moment I'll take it. And I'll handle the trials.
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