Resources

Another deep conversation with my beloved sister prompted me to verbalize what is inside my heart about how to walk, ride, travel this journey we both seem to be encompassed by, that is, the journey of grief. Loss is a part of life. We know this. All of us do. We cannot help but look around and know it, and then when it is ours to bear, it becomes all too real and personal. But in that loss, we learn more about life than we ever imagined. I am thankful to have her to talk with, and say things out loud with, and be together in this stage of our being. I am NOT thankful that she has to go through this, that I do, that Jennifer or Joe does, that my nephews do, that anyone else does...but, as the saying goes, that is life. That sounds flippant, even in my reality. And I don't mean it to be, I hope not to be flippant, but I do believe I am a realist. Especially now that I am understanding and "realizing" this is my life, for better or worse, it is mine to own and mine to bear and mine to live. And I don't say that easily. I say that with the scars of the battle, the pit in my stomach that has not eased, the pain in my heart that feels like it cries in unending fashion, and in wonderment of how to keep my mind and soul in sync.

It has become apparent to me that it is the resources that I choose to use that keeps me upright, keep me keeping on as I like to say, keep me grounded and soulful. I was determined to live when Allison passed away in my arms, but I didn't know how to do that. I still don't, I am the perpetual learner. But I use my resources and listen to my spirit. In the process of doing so, it seems I have offended some. I don't willingly accept invitations. I do not commit to many things far in advance. I can not spend time with people who drain my already depleted energy supply. I can not listen to complaints or griping, even if I may have been one of those people, before. (I hope I wasn't, but truth be known, I am sure I vented about life.) I can not socialize in big groups or in the homes of some, the pain is too great. I can not listen to endless chatter about things that are seemingly surface talk, and I can not surround myself with those "all about me" people any longer. So many things I just can NOT do. And in the process of taking care of ME and the emotional toll it takes to face another day, month, year, holiday, birthday, some folks just don't understand. And I am learning, that is okay. I still love them, they love me, but the energy has shifted, my world has, even if there's has not, and I remind myself that perhaps we were brought together for a reason, and not a season. As Jen and I talked yesterday, everyone we meet has a purpose under heaven, and it might be for a day, a short relationship, a long time, years, or one chance meeting. It has become liberating for us to know, and accept that.

But back to my resources...yes, people are one of them. So many people who I could turn to, or call, or spend time with, and that has been a blessing. Other resources? Other ways to navigate this new way of living? There are many, and for each of us, they are different. I see that in the "phase" my sister is in, her boys, my daughter, my husband, my sister-in-law, friends, everyone. But my number one obligation is to myself and how to continue. And, continue, I must. Not just because I promised Allie, God, but because I am still a mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend, but most of all, I am ME. And my way has become MY WAY.

I choose my resources as I need them. First and foremost, and always, for ME, God is my ultimate resource. The Lord above who is the Creator of all things good, not bad, not cancer, not death, not accidents, not despair. For who knew more about pain and loss than He possibly could, watching and knowing His own beloved Son would be crucified and die on the cross. So, I turn to Him, continually, and pray that my heart is right, that I do not just give lip service to Him, the Almighty, but that I come to know Him in the ways He would desire. When I falter, I ask forgiveness, when I need to know Him better, I ask Him into my heart and soul, and I read His word, and try to comprehend it, or take into the context of my own life. I ask Him for answers, and when they don't seem to come, I learn about faith and how to cling to His coatails and hold on until they surface. God is my resource above all others. And He provides others. I find resources in the quiet solitude of my house, my deck, in the sounds of the birds, or the chimes, or on my walk out to touch the memorial tree, or in the early morning walks with Rex, in the sound of my daughter's voice, in the precious moments shared with her, in the companionship of my husband, even when neither of us can speak, or touch. I find those resources in the music I choose to listen to, in the melodies, in the sounds, in the lyrics. I find resources in the affirmations I repeat until I believe the words, and in the healing sessions I find myself needing. I find resources in travel, or in being still. I find resources in tropical paradise, or creating my own paradise right at home. I find resources in scrapbooking or lighting candles, and I find them in the strategically placed reminders of those I love, the pinks, the greens, the turquoise and the oranges. I find resources in making things nice for people who visit, keeping a favorite wine or tea available, and I find them in the pleasures of positive people. I find them in creating, something new for me, whether in the kitchen or in the craft area! I find them everywhere! I find the ones that work for me. And my prayer this day is that my sister will find hers, that other grieving people will find theirs, and that, in spite of our pain, we will find a way to cope, heal, breathe, and live. Our loved ones would want it that way!