It's THAT Time Again

It's THAT time again, it's always THAT time. There is no break from it, this thing called time. And I don't need a calendar to tell me it's THAT time again, her birthday, and dreams have been circulating of what she would be like at age 27. I'll never know, and it's TIME to spend this sixth birthday without her. I never saw her 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, and now, 27th birthdays. Allison is forever 21 in my mind, at least tangibly. And why oh why we humans must put things in the "physical" form, I'm not sure, but we do, I DO, and it takes all the work and energy and emotional stamina I have to focus on the spiritual, especially at THIS time, her birthday. But I do, and I will, because it is knowing her spiritually now that brings me the closeness of the heart, the connection, and the comfort. I shall never hear her voice, touch her hand, kiss her cheek, rub her back, nor will she do the same for me. It is THAT time again, and the middle of the night tears tell me so.

It's always THAT time, indeed. No, not just her birthday, but everything under heaven. THAT time can hold so much meaning, and the heart just knows. It's ALWAYS THAT TIME! Seasons change, and there it is, the relentless grief that pours when the trees bud, the snow falls, the children play outside. Holidays occur, and there is not a need for a plate to be set for her, an Easter basket sits empty, and Christmas gifts are purchased for those less fortunate, in her name. Mother's Day, and her sister does everything she can to make the day special, knowing there is now one child, and not two, physically present. Father's Day and what was special and meaningful now is tiptoed around, yet celebrated. An ordinary day that holds no real significance at all, yet holds the world in its hands, a day to be honored like any other, living, loving, laughing, but through it all, pain that is relentless and deep and eternal. Family news to be shared, and she is not here to call, yet, she is within reach, thus, making the pain more bearable, yet unbearable. It is THAT time again, with every passing day, it is always THAT time again. It's THAT time again, to select this year's recipient of the Allison Haake Memorial Scholarships, reminding us of the beautiful legacy, but also, that she is gone. It's THAT time when I hear a song that she sang relentlessly, or when I hear a new one I want to share with her. It's THAT time again, THAT time when I would curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by if I could. If only I could. But I cannot, for in doing so, I would miss the moments, the treasured minutes with my living family, and the beauty of the life around me. Even in the devastation, I cannot, I will not allow it, it's THAT time again, and I must embrace what I can.

TIME holds so much meaning. Time passes, stands still, regresses, and through it all, I must cling to the fact that I am here, and she is not. It's TIMES such as these, the birthday celebrations, the milestones, the anniversaries, the special, and not-so-special remembrances of life that bring me to my knees. I do my best to honor all of TIME and all those who fill my life. I fall short. I know I do, but I keep trying. That's the best I can do. I try with everything I am given, and can resurrect, to live, breathe, honor and embrace. I would not have ever wanted to know she would leave me so soon. I would not have ever even believed this would be my life, and the life of so many I love and have come to know. But it is, and I must do what I can to make meaning of the TIME I have right now. Easy? Not at all. But I have come to know that "easy" is no longer in my vocabulary. "Easy" was before, I just didn't know it.

It's THAT time again, a time to live, love, laugh when I can, wipe the tears when I must. It's THAT time again, when something so deep tells me what is happening before I wake up, before I turn the calendar, before I look at a clock. TIME to keep going, know her spirit, feel her presence, and make life in a new way. TIME to show my love for her and all those around me, it's THAT time again. It's always that TIME.