Don't Want To Do This

I really don't want to do this anymore...it takes so much work to heal through grieving. Maybe it is the continual rain and storms, for days and weeks now, promising glimpses of summer only to take the sunshine away for longer periods. We all know I wouldn't be happy with full fledged summer, either, humidity is not my friend! I guess in some ways, I am never content, but I am working diligently to stay in the NOW, appreciate the storms for what they do bring, recognizing that my mind, spirit, body is in a perpetual state of turmoil, like the weather conditions.

Maybe it is because we are, once again, caught in the crossfires of memories and celebrations that are almost grueling to move through without her...another birthday for me, for Joe, and Father's Day and summer in Hull, her favorite place of all. Maybe it is because we no sooner get through one milestone that another is there to replace it and take our breath away, missing that voice, that person, that physical presence.

But some days I just don't want this to be me...I know others who suffer in different ways and who face devastating losses, but still, some days I believe there could be no one in as much pain as I am as I live each day, each step without my daughter. I have to repeat she is really gone, sometimes over and over until I finally convince myself. I really do know it, I am not one to "kid" myself, and if I ever have any doubt, all I have to do is admit that the constant churning, aching, yearning that whirls through my insides, is the physical and emotional reminder that Allison is in another place, out of my reach, yet so present that it is overwhelming. Sometimes I just have to lie down and absorb it all. But I get up and I must. I don't always want to, but I do, for her, for Joe, for Jen, for my sister, for my brother, for my friends, for myself.

But all in all, I must admit that I just don't want to do this anymore. So, I let myself have the moment, the time, whatever it takes, until I regain my strength and find power from the promise of God that all is temporal, we will never get this time back, this moment, these rainy days where the streets are flooding and the storms are raging. The storms are relentless so that the beauty is more dominant, I cling to that in my restlessness, sad, emotional, indescribable grief.