Some Days

Some days just have more significance than others, and of late, all days conjur so much in my heart and soul. I desperately desire to move past the memories of two years ago, where each day for eleven weeks revolved around the biggest change of all, a cancer diagnosis. I have gained a first hand knowledge through many book sources and healing modalities, including varying types of therapy, that the post traumatic shock can take years to even begin to wear off, and there is no timeframe. That is a relief in some ways, because I don't want to be "stuck" in a holding pattern. For me, that would mean life stood still in that timeframe and hasn't moved a bit. I work hard and diligently not to let that happen. Yet, the crisp autumn beauty and pre-holiday season, while in the past, my "favorite" time of year, now sends triggers of emotion that I cannot even begin to be prepared for, at times. Triggers, as I call them, come at the most interesting of times, and I am learning to let them come, use the strategies that I have acquired, not supress, and hopefully, recognize that it's just fine to hold that place for a bit, then move it to another place, knowing I will visit it again. Some days are just that, some days, yet they all hold the beauty, wonderment and blessings, even when I have to look deep.

I don't have to look deep this day to see the blazing pinks, reds, oranges and yellows that are illuminating my entire house. A smile comes to my heart as I think of this day, a 31 year anniversary for Joe and me, a marriage that has withstood many tests and trials, but has without a doubt brought many joys. I ponder just how this could be, with so many marriages ending in divorce, just how this one has lasted, endured, thrived and flourished. The one answer that comes to mind is the commitment and faith in God, vows that at the time were words of a ceremony, but words that later meant more than we would ever know. I do remember that day and how I almost came to tears at the alter when I made that vow. Someone joked later about me not knowing what I was getting into and wondered if that was why...I laughed right along with them, not telling them that my emotion came from such a powerful sense that God was blessing this marriage, and I was right! There can be no other explanation as to why we are still here, standing strong, and holding on to the sacrament of a long lasting marriage.

I also don't have to look deep into this day to find another significance, 14 years ago, on our 17th wedding anniversary, my mother passed into eternal peace. That day had the same autumn glow, with a strong hint of Indian Summer, just like my wedding day, and after very intense suffering and pain, I recall so vividly, falling to my knees while folding laundry, asking God to share His desire and plan for her, and to please do what was best. I believe this was the first out loud conversation I really had with God. Before, I had been raised that prayers were mostly said quietly, and even in that, they were recited, memorized prayers, I didn't really know much about a conversational prayer. It didn't matter, I just talked, and asked, and laid it all at His feet, and lo and behold, the answer came, 15 minutes later, when the nurse called to say that if I would like to see her, I should come soon. There was never so much relief, never so much grief, my first learning experience with the intensity of loss, yet at that moment, I knew, once again, that God will not forsake me when I walk in faith. I didn't ask him to spare her life or beg for her to live, I asked that His will be done. He found the answer and my mother received her miracle.

Some have asked me over the years if the date of our wedding anniversary is painful because of the blended memories, and I have honestly always answered, no! I almost am grateful, because I did perceive her passing as an anniversary gift of sorts, for it opened up a relationship with God that may have never happened, and I certainly couldn't have understood just what that day prepared me for in life. Yes, another blessing in broken times.

I love this day, I am seizing it, embracing it the best I can, triggers and all, memories and all, emotions and pain, even as the beauty of it evolves, yet, grateful for another year, another memory, another day, love to all, Kathy

Worry and Anxiety

It seems everyone I talk with has some profound worry and anxiety in their lives, and as we share one another's burdens, it is easy to become consumed with each other's concerns. Many of us have the nature of desiring to help out our family, friends, loved ones, colleagues in some way. I know for sure that if I could, I would take away the burdens of the heart of those near and dear to me, my sister and brother in law, who struggle and grapple with how to LIVE through cancer, my dear friends whose children are hurting, therefore, they are in emotional pain, another dear friend who is learning how to BE after a sudden divorce, another who is trying desperately to cope and hold onto the marriage she does have, well, the list goes on and on and it won't ever end. Staying focused on what we DO have, this day, this beautiful autumn, can be difficult even on a good day when bad and evil and pain persist. But I have learned that worrying and being anxious do not help at all, for life is going to be lived, regardless of how much sleep we lose, how much neck and back pain we endure, how limited we become, AND I am brought to my own daughter, Allison's, very words...."mom, I bet you worried about many things as I was growing up, that I would get hit by a drunk driver, or attacked in the streets of Chicago, or become a teenage mother, or whatever, but I bet you never worried that I would get cancer...I could have saved you a lot of worry". Those are my words to live by, another part of the legacy she has left us, and in doing so, she has left me with a freedom to NOT worry about Jennifer, Joe, myself, those near and dear, because it will really do no good. So as our 401 K is diminishing, like everyone else's, and we wonder what is coming next in this world, let alone in our homes, there is freedom in knowing that no amount of worry and anxiety will change it.

I am reminded of, and cling to, a scripture that carries me, just in case I digress...Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I am thankful for the love of God who does carry the burdens for me, leaving me free to live my life, face the challenges, find the joy, hold on to the memories, and live in the moment. My thankfulness abounds and my petition list grows as many face new and grueling burdens, but the promise that God will carry us is the best gift of all.

Off The Merry Go Round

There are days I would prefer to put a stop to life, halt the presses, so to speak, get off the ever evolving merry go round. While most days I can embrace the day, the moment, even the second, there are times, for all of us, when we would wish it to just stop. I am blessed in retirement that I don't have to conform to a world that keeps spinning. Each day I thank God for this gift, for when Allison passed on to eternal life, I knew I was not going to be in a position, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to grieve with hundreds around me. I knew there would be a roller coaster to ride and I wanted to be able to ride it with my own dignity in tact, my own way, and to handle grief before it handled me. When they say it is like riding a wave, that is no exaggeration. But, life is like that, whether we are grieving or not. Each of us has our story, and as I say, some have not begun to be shared. Even with my public words and openness, so much of "my" story, our family's story, Allison's story, has not even begun to be revealed.

So, for today, this day that I do rejoice and thank God for, I am allowing the freedom of getting off the merry go round. I cancelled all appointments, I am savoring the lingering moments in a favorite robe, given to me by Jennifer and Allison, a robe Allison would use as a whole blanket. It is bringing me comfort as are the words brought to me in a scripture that I use often, to remind myself that all of what we deal with is temporal, for in a moment, as my mother used to say, "this too shall pass"...2 Corinthians 4:17-18, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

I know how blessed I am for the ability to stop the presses, for having a day ahead where I am my own boss, to be able just to live this moment in my own choosing, for most people do not have that gift as they struggle through life's challenges. Given what has happened, it is difficult to imagine being one of the "lucky" ones, I prefer to say "blessed", blessed that in brokenness, God shows me how to appreciate and savor and just BE, and His word promises me that whatever is happening or taking place, it is indeed just temporal, and in the next minute, life will take another turn. The ride is rough, demanding, grueling, but filled with hope and faith and light.

This is a day for Courage

I recall when I taught any classroom of students, even my Sunday School class, that I would have a word of the day on the board. I love words. I love to play Scrabble, or Boggle or any other word game I can find. The problem is that no one really wants to play those games with me, and it's not because I always win, I don't. I just like words! Today a friend gave me a gift that has caused me to think about the word Courage. It was a Willow Tree angel, beautifully designed with arms outstretched as if to say Hallelujah! The gift carries much sentiment between this dear one and me, for she is the kind of friend where no words need to be said. The gift is an angel of courage, created by the designer to celebrate the triumphant spirit, strength and courage we call upon to face challenges in our lives, whether they be our health, or the well-being of our loved ones. It is a re-sculpture of an original piece and serves as a reminder of people in our lives who inspire us with their strength and courage everyday.

My precious, eloquent friend let me know how I display courage to her and to others. What praise to think that little old me could inspire anyone else, when I feel that I gain my strength from her and others. Yes, I know it takes courage to do what I do, what we all do, to face our day, to carry the burdens of the heart, to persevere and carry on, to live this day. By admittance, it's not always easy, especially now that I walk a road I never would have dreamed possible. As I think of courage, I know I draw my triumphant spirit from a loving God, who uses others to help me know I don't walk alone. I think of my friend, Barb, whose son called her last summer and told her he would put his motorcycle on an internet listing for sale later that day, and a short hour later, died on the side of the road in an accident, taking his last ride. Barb's courage to get up and take care of her grandchildren, feed them, get them to school, and attend their activities inspires me as does a former colleague, who lost her child many years ago in a fire, yet she finds a way to get up, work as a school custodian, cleaning and moving furniture and impacting the learning that goes on in that school. She often does not know how she will pay her rent with the high costs of fuel and housing, yet, there she is, making a difference. I draw my own courage from a newfound friend who has remained clean and sober for over one year, choosing a healthy life over the one she was drowning in, and from a former colleague who came home one day to an empty house, her husband having taken everything but the kitchen sink and the two children! My own mother comes to mind as I think of her, 14 years ago this month, lying in a coma for 6 weeks as she desperately tried to keep living for us. She underwent operation after operation, procedure after procedure, more than one body should really endure, until we whispered in her ear to let go and asked God to show grace and mercy as His will was done. Naturally, I recall the dignity in which my own father allowed us to feed him, medicate him, care for him in his final stages of cancer, right in our own home, showing the courage to keep his dignity and respect until his final breath. And, I recall the countless courageous parents who taught me so much about life, parents I came to know and respect through their own journeys, losing a child, fighting to keep a child, waking up to abuse, working two or three jobs, taking a bus, to another, to another and finally reaching their jobs hours after they left home.

Examples of courage could keep flowing, we all have them, we all know them, sometimes they are right in our own homes, sometimes they are told to us, but they all come at the time we need, to inpsire and motivate, to help us get up in the morning, to help us keep a perspective, to help us know we are going to be okay. If I were in the classroom today, courage would be my word of the day!

A Picture Perfect Day

I often feel it is so easy to feel God's presence on a beautiful day such as this, when the leaves are at their most glorious, when the crispness in the air compels you to make a big pot of soup and an apple pie, when it's what I love, sweatshirt weather. I live for these kind of days, the days that bring me back to my childhood and the new england smell in the air. I feel comforted and free and wonderous. It makes me realize I live in a sensory state! I suppose that is why this kind of day is so invigorating, it brings "back" so many glimmers of beauty from my young adulthood-an October wedding just 31 years ago, pumpkin patches with the girls, apple picking with the family, hayrides, winery trips, bread making, craft fairs, football games.

As I embrace this day and make the most of it, I know it would be much more difficult if the picture were different. If it were raining, and the leaves were falling, the skies were gray, and the dampness was settling, I would be looking at this day differently. I certainly know the earth will turn, the tides will change, and in the next minute, the dreary could replace the illuminating, and I mean that in terms of life, more than I do this day. That is when I must be prepared to take what I learn from THIS day at hand and make it the best it can possibly be, armor myself, and tackle whatever does come my way. I thank God for His goodness and grace that will carry me through the beauty and the dark, for even having this 0pportunity to live a new day, and to make a new memory on this autumn day. For this moment in time, He has replaced the deep sadness of loss and painful memory with the new chance, by creating this amazing day. I do intend to rejoice and be glad in it!

This Is The Day

Psalm 118:24, "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Devotionals, meditations, scriptures, affirmations, prayer, books, books and more books have always been part of my life in one way or another, only to intensify, meant to sustain, heal, teach, grow me through one of life's most devastating changes and challenges-the loss of a child. Today, I begin another chapter of this journey, the creation of a blog, designed for my own purposes, a technological journal, if you will. Yes, designed for this healing road with no expectations, no second thoughts, no plans, just the pure and simple gift of sharing. Sharing in the hope that I will continue to grow and learn through this incredible turn in life, but also, that this may, or might, become a vehicle for others to become inspired, or inspire us, for we EACH have a story. Some stories are so deep they have not yet been recognized let alone been told, just carried in the depths of our souls, some stories are ever so slowly revealed, thus opening up a new chamber of the heart, causing others to catch a glimpse and causing our own selves to let a little light enter.

So, today dawns a new adventure. Some may say it is a bit risky to share deepest, soulful thoughts and feelings, some may wonder why now. My only answer is that I have always known, and tried to follow, the spirit God sends me. This attempt is no exception. It does, however, come to creation on a special anniversary of sorts, the eve of the day, two years ago, with her parents by her side, when our daughter, Allison, first heard the word cancer as it related to her diagnosis. It seemed that time stood still the minute the doctors walked through the door, one not making eye contact, the other, a later favorite, explaining in medical terms what exactly this meant. The confusion over such a diagnosis lingered, lung cancer in a 21 year old, healthy, vibrant young woman, could not be, so there was to be hope, short lived at best, that this cancer was NOT small cell. I don't believe I heard much as the word itself nearly took my breath away. Finding it difficult to stand and breaking out in a sweat, I sat down on Allison's bed and held onto her foot. The tears shed by the three of us were like never before but not unlike the ones that would pour in the weeks and months and now years to come.

I won't elaborate on that life changing, life altering moment now, but I will say from the second that the word was uttered, none of us have ever been, nor ever will be, the same. We have learned about choices, responses, attitude, perseverance and we know the deeper meaning of faith, love, hope and family. Today I look at the day the Lord has made, and I thank Him for holding us up that day, two years ago, and to continue to do so, for infiltrating our hearts, especially for using Allison to teach so many just how to live strong and solid. Without us knowing it, He created a legacy and a path to Him through our daughter.

From the moment of diagnosis, I asked God for a simple scripture that could help me endure and it was presented to me and has sustained me through the times I didn't think I could breathe, get up, keep on as a caregiver, let alone as a grieving mother. His words are my comfort, my strength, my compass. They guide me as I recite and believe His word to be true.

A painful memory penetrates me this day, this "anniversary" of sorts, but it is filled with the promise of a new day and I am thankful for it and all it brings. Indeed, "this is the day....."

Kathy