Off The Merry Go Round

There are days I would prefer to put a stop to life, halt the presses, so to speak, get off the ever evolving merry go round. While most days I can embrace the day, the moment, even the second, there are times, for all of us, when we would wish it to just stop. I am blessed in retirement that I don't have to conform to a world that keeps spinning. Each day I thank God for this gift, for when Allison passed on to eternal life, I knew I was not going to be in a position, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to grieve with hundreds around me. I knew there would be a roller coaster to ride and I wanted to be able to ride it with my own dignity in tact, my own way, and to handle grief before it handled me. When they say it is like riding a wave, that is no exaggeration. But, life is like that, whether we are grieving or not. Each of us has our story, and as I say, some have not begun to be shared. Even with my public words and openness, so much of "my" story, our family's story, Allison's story, has not even begun to be revealed.

So, for today, this day that I do rejoice and thank God for, I am allowing the freedom of getting off the merry go round. I cancelled all appointments, I am savoring the lingering moments in a favorite robe, given to me by Jennifer and Allison, a robe Allison would use as a whole blanket. It is bringing me comfort as are the words brought to me in a scripture that I use often, to remind myself that all of what we deal with is temporal, for in a moment, as my mother used to say, "this too shall pass"...2 Corinthians 4:17-18, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

I know how blessed I am for the ability to stop the presses, for having a day ahead where I am my own boss, to be able just to live this moment in my own choosing, for most people do not have that gift as they struggle through life's challenges. Given what has happened, it is difficult to imagine being one of the "lucky" ones, I prefer to say "blessed", blessed that in brokenness, God shows me how to appreciate and savor and just BE, and His word promises me that whatever is happening or taking place, it is indeed just temporal, and in the next minute, life will take another turn. The ride is rough, demanding, grueling, but filled with hope and faith and light.