Needs and Wants

When I was teaching I enjoyed the economy lessons of needs vs. wants, whether it was in the 2nd, 4th or 6th grade curriculum, we always touched on the topic and it was always interesting to me how the students responded. As they grew older, their needs would get confused with their wants! And that happened in my own home. The girls surely didn't care about paying the bills first and THEN seeing what was left over to buy the things they liked, or do the things they enjoyed. They just wanted what they wanted when they wanted it! And yes, over time, they were a bit indulged, some would say VERY indulged, after all, they had great tennis shoes and swimsuits from Dillards...and the prom dresses, and the homecoming dresses, and the shoes to match, and oh, the hair highlights and the nails done...indeed, the list goes on. Still, we always stressed the "needs over wants", and I am proud to say they had a good head on their shoulders, gave to others, very generously, paid their bills first (most of the time) and didn't get too far into trouble. Allison even had two of my credit cards while living in Chicago (which Jennifer couldn't believe:), but never did she make a purchase without authorization from me, and then, it was very rare. So all in all, I know that both of them understand (to some extent:) that we must take care of business first, then indulge a bit.

I think of this at this time of year because of the mixed emotions I have about the upcoming Christmas Day. Again, over time, the girls were indulged, and presents filled the room. A Haake Christmas is a sight to behold, and while the items are not particularly expensive, they are fun and thought provoking. Sometimes you opened what you may "need" but often it was what one would "want". And now, in the depths of grief, I am struggling to identify what that is, for my loved ones, but especially for myself. I don't mean in the form of a present. The gift in a box or bag means so very little, the kindness or gesture is the beautiful part, and perhaps always has been, I just didn't "feel" it so intently. I just never "felt" to the core of my soul what is there, now, as grief mixes with spirit, and feelings are crying out to be set free. I don't know how to do this, each day is like finding my way through the fog, the light, the darkness, the sunrise, the evening, every turn of every hour represents something new and fresh, and I am not sure what I want or what I need. It was easy to identify before, it was concrete, it was tangible. Now it is remote, and foreign, and out of my reach.

Some may say that with time passing, perhaps it should be "easier" to know, but to them I must say that until you lose your child and need to redefine yourself, your family unit, your holidays and tradition, it doesn't get easier, it takes work, hard work, and lots of it. It's not a bad thing, it's just different and painful and yet, the slivers of light that stream in, in the form of the phone call, or note, or visit, or care from others, helps spur the grieving one on in ways that cannot be described.

As my family and I find our way through the last weeks of Allison's life, blended with the holiday season, we are learning much more about our needs and wants! We are taking our own cues from each other, not making commitments, staying in, being with each other, finding our way. And that takes work, conversation, tears, cleansing, and faith. Faith in one another, in the promise of a new day, and in a loving God who surely holds us in the palm of His hand, for there is no other explanation as to how we have arrived at almost 36 months since Allison passed away and not really known how we got here. We are here by His good grace, it is not to our credit. Surely, God and God alone knows what we need. Yes, I search through my daily readings, activities, care for new dog Rex, visits with others, following what I have always called God's agenda. But I don't know what to do or how to do it, so each morning I just ask Him to show me how to get through, how to do this, and to provide what I need or want. I am often too numb to know.

So the beauty of the day is God does know. He knew to take our daughter and sister from her pain, early enough so that we can remain hopeful for when it becomes our time to leave this earth. He knows enough to connect me with others who I would have never met if not for this journey, and He brings people into my life so that I can share a bit of hope that they, too, will be able to take those steps toward healing. I can promise them, through His word, that nothing else is needed when you walk with the Lord as your guide. He also knows enough to use Allison as a guiding force for others who need hope and guidance on their own cancer journey, and through His love, she shines on. He also provides what I need when I cannot carry on, when I fall to my knees in tears and utter disbelief that I am not making plans for her to come home for Christmas. There is such comfort in knowing that God has it all covered.

God gives us the morning, literally and symbolically. He erases the darkness for a bit, so we can hope. I am thankful for it today. I need it. I need the pain to ease a bit, and the sun to come out and warm me up a bit and help me move, make any kind of movement. I work today at giving it all over to Him and I thank Him for knowing what I need and want!