Mothers/Daughters

As I drove down the highway and passed Jennifer's apartment complex earlier this week, I had the most sudden urge of pride. She is my light, my joy, and my reason for being. She has not always been the easiest (teen aged years are a force to be reckoned with:), but then, don't we know by now, that the trials and tribulations, pains of life, the times that bring you to your knees, are the times that make you stronger, more dependent than ever on faith and a God who knows our hearts better than we do. He has graced me with more time to be with her, on this earth, and in this lifetime. He has blessed me with a daughter who I would choose to spend time with over any one else I know in life, and a relationship with her that is of the utmost blessing, and a great treasure.

As I drove down that highway, I had an image of her apartment in my mind, the purples, and blacks and silvers, the picture frames, the chosen art work, the photos of her and her sister, her father, me, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends. She has surrounded herself with a positive, loving energy that exudes, even from her one bedroom home, clear out to that road I travelled. I thought of two sisters, forever tied together by those heartstrings, by blood, by family. I thought of where they both are right this very minute. And I thought of what brought them to this place. Everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly has helped shape these two daughters into the beautiful spirits they are...one living in the physical world of life on this side of heaven, one guiding from the eternal side, where the peace must be so overwhelming, glorious and where freedom is the ultimate gift of all.

But in the same instant of pride, I missed my youngest to the core, still taking my breath away, still causing me to almost pull over and stop life at times. My writings come from the heart of a grieving mother, I don't suppose I would have ever begun to pour my heart out like this had the road travelled become one almost too much to bear. I am having a beautiful time watching life unfold for my oldest daughter, and so desperately want to do the same for my youngest.

Maybe it is seeing, once again, the Mother's Day cards in the stores. Maybe it is the stage of life I am in, and the loss I feel in missing my own mother, much less my own daughter. Maybe it is that sweet voice I hear in my head, that of Allison's letting me know I will get through the minute, that her "last" Mother's Day with me, the one of the utmost surprise, the one where that little voice came around the corner of the front door to say Happy Mother's Day, when I didn't expect to see her at all. Did God plan for that to occur because in some way He knew that would be our last on earth, that I would live longer than a daughter who had her whole life before her? Was there a premonition, a plan, a design that I was to not know about at the time? I don't know the answer, I only "feel" the answer, and deep in my soul, looking back, I cannot help but believe the orchestration of it all, the timing, all played a part of a bigger plan.

My daughters, each in different places, each forever tied by a heartstring that won't rip, tear or be cut. My daughters, each one travelling a road never imagined, each one with the beauty of the other wrapped and entwined in one another's soul, brought together as one, to live out the days that were destined to be....A beautiful quote that I read and am "borrowing" from Mary's blog, Inspired By Erin, sums it all up in ways I never could...."What I wanted most for my daughter(s) was that she (they) be able to soar confidently in her (their) own sky, whatever that may be." Stated by Helen Claes. Modified by me. My daughters ARE soaring confidently in their own sky, each carrying the other in their heart.

Mother's Day, so many emotions, so many feelings, so much history, so many memories...it is coming, but in reality, it's just another day, for every day is Mother's Day, at least to me.