Wealth

What prompted me to think about money, wealth, material items, an abundance, or a severe need, today? Money and wealth is not one of those subjects that is easily discussed, and what does it have to do with grief, anyway? Does my savings account, Joe's 401K, my monthly retirement check really define who I am? Does the size of my house or the type of car I drive say anything about the "wealth" that exists, or doesn't? Does the dollar figure in my checking account say anything about who I am, what I am feeling? Do any of these material items I have purchased make my day any better, brighter, less painful, more pleasing? What is wealth anyway? How is it measured? And what do we really need in a lifetime to bring us satisfaction?

I must confide I know what has spurred some of these thoughts...the opening of "the drawer", the drawer that is tiny, yet holds some powerful items. Now and then, I open the drawer and her scent drifts toward me like one of my favorite perfumes, only better, much, much better. In one second, I can feel joy and pain mixing and churning in my soul, creating a new recipe for emotion...joyous for the memory that God saw to it I was with her when it was time, sorrow and pain reminding me I had to let her go. I feel her last days, moments, breaths. And therein lies the shorts, the t-shirt, the underwear, the socks, the journal, a trinket, a scratched off bingo card depicting a $10.00 winner, her journal. Everything she needed, yet didn't, as her life as she knew it, as we knew it, came to an end. Then her words, her very own spoken words..."mom, look at me, all I have or ever needed was right here, none of the shoes, stacks of jeans or t-shirts matter now, because where I am going, I cannot take them with me". No, sweet Allison, wise beyond your years, you cannot take them with you. You are leaving this world the same way you came in.

Those last items have taught a lesson that can never be learned otherwise. I went through life, good times and bad, plentiful and pleasing, desperate and uncertain when it came to money, resources, so called wealth. I have known abundance, I have known minimal. I have thanked God when my father came along at the end of some very strained months and I would find the $50.00 in the cookie jar after a visit, or the call for dinner out at a nice restaurant when times were lean, very lean. I have joked with the family about not having enough toilet paper back in the day, and I made my share of macaroni and cheese, or grilled cheese sandwiches. I have made a meal stretch for days, and I have lost sleep over paying the bills. I have lived in fear over money. I have felt I didn't measure up to some who seemingly had "more", and I have wanted to donate to causes when I couldn't. I have made mistakes when it comes to purchasing, but I have learned, too. I have learned that God provides the resources and gifts and talents and that He will provide. I have learned to differentiate between needs and wants, and I have lived in plentiful times. I have lived when I don't need to think twice about getting the most expensive cut of meat, or a pricey bottle of wine. I have indulged and splurged. I have given when I can, and saved when I must. I have learned that we all do what we can, when we can and how we can. I have learned the value of a dollar, and I have wasted. I have seen that you cannot measure wealth, yours or anyone else's, by any standard just because things "look" a certain way. And I know that it doesn't matter what you have unless you give, money, or no money. I know that even without material goods, we can be rich in good deeds!

Of course, I say, I knew all this BEFORE. But I know it, internalize it to a degree like none BEFORE, because none of it matters. It doesn't matter if my bank account is weak or strong. Yes, it takes the worries away, the fear away, but when we do our part, God provides. And He provides in ways that can never be anticipated or planned. When we listen and pray, and really heed His word and advice, the answers come. Not easily. Not readily. But they come. And someday, we, too, will be in our last stages, and what will really matter is where our wealth comes from...not how much money we are able to leave the children, or not. Not how many cars we have in the garage or clothes in the closet. Not how many trips we were able to take. But how we lived, how we used the resources, how we paid it forward, or helped when we could.

Naturally, it doesn't mean that some of those things will stop. But they will be done in a different way, with a change of perspective, and a respect for God's grace. They will be done in celebration and thanksgiving to a God who provides, who has led me in the direction to be a teacher, to work hard all my life, to save and now to use the time, talent, resources in ways that He so chooses. That is the lesson in the drawer, that is the sweet smell of days gone by, that is the echo of her words....that is what the scripture tells us, not let money become the root of all evil, but to do with it what He wills. For as well as I will never forget that last discussion with a daughter who knew she was leaving this life for another, I will not forget that lesson, where we are going, nothing is needed. Nothing that money can buy, anyway.