Stress, What Stress?

There are ways we all cope with our stress, some involve things or addictions that are not necessarily good for us...the list can range from sugar, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, too much sleep, not enough sleep, on and on and on....The list can include many things that ARE good for us, as well, and that is what I focus on, even though I have a few of my own ways that are probably not as beneficial as others....like baking too many things from the new cookbook, and eating them, or spending money on things I really don't need, and neither do the people I buy them for...but what the heck?! As I think about moving energy and staying around all that is positive and powerful for myself, I risk moving on and past some former things, and people, in my life. I have written about this before, it seems to surge when I know that someone takes offense to my inability to be present in their life, or when I don't have the emotional strength to attend a gathering or be social. Grief is a lonely world at times. I don't want any other mother to share this, but I do want every other mother to understand. Maybe that will help the next mother or father or sister or brother, or wife or child. Maybe they won't question or wonder why things aren't "different" or "better", maybe they can rid themselves of perceptions or how things appear, seem or "look", maybe they won't impose a time frame for others who walk the valley of grief. Maybe they won't be so quick to misunderstand the meaning of an "anniversary" that doesn't have to be marked with a profound passage, maybe it's just a day that means something only to me, that brings on a memory that I can barely breathe through, let alone live through, that suffocates, only to bring a surge of peace and elation that Allison was spared the dreaded disease to her lungs, that God chose her to leave this earth early, and she took heed of His call.

My stress lies in the pain and distress of my daughter, who went through more than I have ever observed in my lifetime, now, with the exception of my brother-in-law, who now parallels her every step. Uncanny? Unbelievable? Surreal? All of the above?

But that stress was taken from me, almost as soon as it began. Eleven short weeks for her, going on three years for Michael, and he is still fighting. And those around him are managing the stress of watching a loved one in pain, in suffering, myself included. My stress is different than anyone else's because I have travelled a road that many have not, at least not in the immediate family and circle of friends. I understand at a perfectly different level how this all makes sense, no, not the diagnosis, the journey, the fluctuations, the hope, the despair, but the divinity that prevails and the plan that God is unravelling. That doesn't mean I don't operate with my own stressors, but I have learned to cope and live, despite the fact that I would prefer to roll into a ball and never come out of a sheltered cocoon. That doesn't mean I don't over indulge in ice-cream or other coping mechanisms from time to time to manage the stress! But what it does mean is that I know how to find my peace, the peace that God gives for the asking when we travel hand in hand with Him. And what it does mean is that when God used Allison in such powerful ways, He erased stressors from my life in a way I would have never seen or imagined. He has shown me that all circumstances change, and we must change with them. Nothing remains the same. We get to respond to the pain and problem of the day.

I work on self-discipline, seizing the day, waking up and living, moving, maybe not ON or AHEAD, but moving. I may tread water, I may have setbacks, I may have to affirm through faith and scriptures that I am going to be able to do this, live with the stress life hands, and ask God's guidance on how to respond. I don't always do things right or correctly or according to plan. There is NO plan for this, this painful and penetrating loss of a child, this observance of another loved one who follows in her footsteps, leaving us once again breathless and in wonder. There is NO plan at all. But we will do it, I will do it, I will fill myself with the energy only God can provide, through His word, through His creations, through the beauty of this day, through the small blessings and the lives of those around me who need me, and whom I need. I will not be stressed, I will rid myself of the negativity that permeates when I listen to others who do not know, who only think they are helping, or of those who offer opinions without any basis of reality. I will do what is best for me, knowing that with my daughter, God took any reason to be stressed completely away. Nothing else can compare. There is no reason to be afraid.