Birthday In Heaven

Allison, you had yet another birthday in heaven and that must be too beautiful for words. I must say that is how I got through this one, knowing you are being taken care of in the glorious kingdom, in heavenly peace, reunited with all the souls who dearly love you, and you, them. This birthday that has the number 26 associated with it, at least for those of us who measure in those ways. A birthday that, if you were here on earth, I may or may not have actually seen you, but a birthday when I would know you are here. Who would you be now? Where would you be? How would we have celebrated? What would we have done? Through your beautiful smile, I wonder what your eyes would tell me? Would you be happy? Would you be graduated from college and getting started on your life's plans? Would you be the same sweet, "old" soul, with the feisty attitude? I cannot help but wonder, as the song goes, who you would be now.

I have very little to say today, but I felt remiss if I didn't write for a minute, just to tell you that your family is honoring our promise. We are keeping on, and trying. Your sister is amazing, but you already know that. She has her own twists and turns in life, that have been forever altered and changed since you are gone, but she is guided by your love, and in her heart, your own heart beats. Dad and I didn't want to do it, but we honored your birthday in a way that took us out of ourselves, out of the house, into a world that we are still not often ready for, and we felt your pride, knowing we had a date and shared a concert together. We didn't speak much of you, but when we toasted, and words didn't come, only tears springing to our eyes, we both knew why we were out and about. For you. For your sister. For ourselves.

I am so often sorry that the pain overshadows joy. I don't want it to be this way. More importantly, I know that you do not. But, sometimes it cannot be helped. Yet, through the pain, we are finding our way, on your birthday and every day. We stand in awe that you have been "gone" for five birthdays already, and do our best to focus and count the blessings of you being her for 21 of them. We concentrate, now, NOT on the number, but on the moments, and after all, that is what's important anyway. I cannot remember how old you were when the snowstorm hit and changed the Easter Egg Hunt planned, or the year we went to Chuckie Cheese, or to your favorite restaurants. I cannot remember how old you were when you received the magical gifts and special remembrances, all that doesn't even matter anymore. It's the moments, the life, the love, and the heart of birthdays that linger in our minds, traditions, and in our memories. We still celebrate you, honor and remember, do what we can, when we can, and your birthday goes on and on.

A mother's love and relationship with their child never dies, and ours did not, will not, either. I whispered so much, these last days, when tears fell freely, when memories surged, when we found our way through honoring you...I whispered to a loving God who now has you in the palm of His hand, thanks be to God for you, and for His grace and His mercy, and I whispered to you, happy, happy birthday, my sweet and beautiful angel, who now soars higher than THIS world would have ever allowed. I miss you with every fiber of my being, but as people across the country honored you, celebrated your life, even found ways to include you in their day, with the setting sun and the rising moon, a once in a lifetime event, I felt honored and blessed to be your mother, and I remembered your birth date, when our hearts knew what our soul already had, and I remembered your passing date, when our hearts entwined, never to let go.