Something To Live For

Grief changes perspective, attitude, way of life, the view, the pain, every breath...and in the early days, even without us knowing it, it gives us something to live for. We really don't know that in the beginning stages. Those are shock waves rippling through your body. That is the numbest feeling you have ever felt. That is most likely God's way of layering us with a protective coating to maneuver and "get through" the "firsts", the initial steps to a new normal. As the shock of it all begins to subside, tiny bit, by tiny bit, I found myself wondering how it could be that these many weeks, months, now years, could pass by and I would "feel" a new way, again, bit by bit, step by step.

As my mind looks back to the images of the last four years, I am in awe that I have survived. And I know it is only God's grace that has brought me to this point. I know that suffering in this way strengthens and heals. I would not have chosen it. I do not want to know this. I do not want to own it. Yet, it is mine. And I am not alone. Even when I feel utterly so, even when I am surrounded by the love and prayers that hold me up, I don't know how I got here. All I know is, that I have always had something to live for. It's always been about my family, my daughter, Jennifer, my husband, my siblings, my friends, my former dog, Barkley, and now, Rex, and even my neighbors. They have given me purpose and reasons to keep living. And how wonderful it is to be needed. And how wonderful to have something to live for.

But life is becoming much richer now. I feel myself, literally turning some type of corner, if you will. I am living for me. The last years I have studied, read, journaled, grieved, embraced anything I could to learn how to do this. You see, there's no manual. And I am a fighter within. I know God did not create me to take this, accept it, without changing. I can resist it. I can fight the urges. But He sends a spirit through me that is not to be ignored. And He gives me every tool to make a difference for myself. I feel it in the new waves that surge through my body, soul and mind. I'm not comfortable with it. But I'm not comfortable with much, as I learn to live life without my child.

Life is richer in the sense that I have something to live for...and yes, it will continue to be those people I mentioned. I know God is bringing me through something unimaginable to be there for others. But I also know God expects me to live life in ways that only I can. I don't know what He will bring today, what life will bring tomorrow, but I do know, that He is giving me tools. Tools of existence. Tools that must be sharpened and used.

I have so much to live for...this week, as Allison would turn 26 years old, I cry every day. I am not always positive and upbeat, but what I am is consistent. I pace. I know what I need and I listen to God's whisper. I open the Bible and I find what works for me, this day, this moment. The scriptures. The reminders. I read, or say aloud, the affirmations to help me move in the direction that is pleasing to him. I surround myself with the people I choose, I love, who are important to me, and not the ones who drain me, who say things that rip apart an already fragile existence. I get to make those choices. And I give where, and when, I can. I will find ways to honor Allison's birthday and it will be good. It will be pleasing to her to know that instead of being able to buy her the gifts, others will be recipients of something, the dog shelter, the food pantry, the Ronald McDonald house, or the cupcakes that I will make for the neighbors. I will focus on what I have to live for, and even when my heart is breaking, and I remember, or wonder, who she'd be today, I will know, there is always something to live for.