Do I Lie?

I have read this poem before, and each time, something different speaks to me...wherever I am in this process of grief, healing, journeys, "new normals", phases or stages, there is something I hear in the words that resonates well. I think it struck me this morning, when I read it on the Compassionate Friends Facebook Page, posted perhaps, in timing with Mother's Day. It struck me because just this week, as I have worked extra hard to work through the tears and the memories, the pain of loss, and the new realities that come with it, now, and probably forever, I found myself saying I was "fine" to a few people who have asked. Of course, the checker at the grocery store wouldn't want any other answer, nor would the neighbor who I chatted with while we walked our dogs, nor would a friend who called to ask my assistance in something monumental in her life, nor would just about anyone. Out of courtesy, we ask, "How are you", and we all reply, "fine".

I am really not fine. But even if I could, I don't have ways to describe how I am, so "fine" will do, just as good as anything else! I'm "fine", has become my mantra. It stands for, "I have found some moments of calmness today", "I got through another holiday without my daughter here", "I had to lie in her bed to cry myself to sleep", "I don't know why I keep thinking the phone will ring at 6:00 and it will be her", "I'm working diligently, day by day, in all ways to appreciate life and count my blessings", it stands for, "I'm tired of this", and "when will it be over"...It stands for the dreams and the nightmares, the despair of a future torn apart, and a shift in my existence. It stands for hope, and it stands for faith, and it stands for love. I am fine. Just fine.

This poem is dedicated to so many mothers I know who will find their own way through Mother's Day, even with the joys, the blessing of other children, family, friends, presents and sunshine, there will be that special place in our heart for that child, the one who left us too soon. This is for all of you, and the fathers too, for surely, they find themselves often saying, "I'm fine".

Ask My Mom How She Is-Author Unknown

My mom, she tells a lot of lies,
she never did before,
but from now until she dies, she'll
tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is and
because she can't explain,
she will tell a little white lie because she
can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is, she
seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you
see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is, "I'm
fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the
truth, just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life, I loved
her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen,
hug her and hold her dear.

On the day we meet again, I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, MOM,
with all the lies you told!

The last line, Allison, sounds just like what you would say! I'm fine, my sweet, I'm fine.