The Numbness...The Pain

I have felt physically and emotionally numb since Allison passed away. Oh sure, to see me laugh, to see me cry, to see me walk the dog, respond in "normal" fashion to every day experiences, one may think that I am the same, or better, or healing, or improving. And, I suppose, in many ways, I am all of the above. I move. I live, I respond, I plant, I decorate, I cook, I visit others, I pray, I smile through the pain, I attend gatherings when I can, I find myself through many healing modalities, I listen to new types of music, I go shopping, I occasionally go out for lunch or dinner, I do a little socializing, I entertain, I drive, I fly, I travel. But what I FEEL is another story.

I have had cause to evaluate what I FEEL lately...from the numbness to the pain. I didn't know I was numb, at first. I just knew nothing, other than the maternal instincts for my oldest daughter, could make me FEEL a thing. In the early months, and even years, I would literally pinch myself, just in an effort to FEEL. I would ask God if I would ever respond again, the way I used to, to touch, to smells, to tastes, to just about anything involving the senses. But mostly, to pain. I just couldn't FEEL anything. I even recall going to the dentist, and may have even written about that, thinking, okay, now I will FEEL something again. But it didn't really happen. I knew then, no novacaine needed. I am numb. I am anesthetized for the time being, maybe for a short while, maybe for a long while, maybe for life.

In time, I began to notice twinges, but my heartstrings ruled. No sign or symptom of pain could overshadow the hole in my heart, and no pain could be trumped by the pain I witnessed my cancer ridden daughter in...the images, the crying, the moaning, yet, never complaining, trying to put on that bright and happy smile and persona became her mantra...perhaps that is why it is mine, now, also, maybe always was, and now, I know, it always will be. I saw more than any mother should see, but not more than many do. I just didn't know what it could do for my past, my present, and my future, when it came to the numbness, and when it comes to pain.

I have found myself in full blown pneumonia, hospital ridden, and lately, "battling" sinusitis, a chronic condition I have no doubt had for years and years. Impending surgery awaits, and I have a chance of feeling "good" again. I must admit I have felt this pain. But even still, not until it was beyond treatable with your basic antibiotics. I let the pain go and go, as I usually do, feeling little, knowing it's there, but feeling numb to it.

I need to be able to feel again, in many senses. I pray to feel again. Then when I do, I don't want to...am I ever going to be "satisfied" in this life I live without my youngest child? Am I ever going to FEEL the same senses that once were part of my so called normal existence? Or will I remain NUMB and find myself on the brink of hospitalizations, surgeries, or worse fated illnesses? I am praying for direction. I am praying to all that is good and bountiful to help me to know what is REAL, what is the distinction between what I must attend to, and what memory holds on to, to know the difference between real pain and this numbness that has become my inner and outer core.

The numbness, the pain...all blended into one, giving me something else to sort through, to tell myself that because I know what I know, saw what I saw, watched as my daughter, woman to the world, baby girl to me, battled with dignity, strength, courage and everlasting hope, that it is okay to tend to the things that ache, twinge, seep, shock, induce pain, for in doing so, I may learn the difference....between the numbness and the pain.