Summertime...and the Living is NOT so Easy....

There is that saying...Summertime, and the living is easy. Summertime. It's here. I hardly know it, not just because we went right from heat to air conditioning on the thermostat, not because I barely have a concept of time any longer, not because I have very little awareness of the changing seasons, but because, in grief, the numbness keeps me from knowing. It's just the way it is, days turn to weeks, into months, and I have little knowledge that I have ripped another page from the calendar. I remember certain milestones, and make certain of sending cards. I/We receive invitations and honestly, I can barely remember if I sent a gift or a card or an acknowledgment. I don't really need to write things down because I won't follow the list. What I do follow, is my spirit, and if that were to fail me, I don't know where I would be.

I wonder if anyone would understand that I often have to ask myself questions like, Did Mother's Day come and go? Did we celebrate the birthdays yet? What part of the year is it and are we really mid-way through June? Did I really just return from an Alaskan voyage and did I really see my sister last month when it feels like a lifetime ago? Am I living in a fog or am I present?

But here we are, summertime, and the living is easy, so they say. Summertime. 2011. Summertime and so many memories that bring smiles....and so many that bring pain. Of course, I try to stay focused on the ones that bring smiles, the trips to Hull, the vacations, the time off from teaching when there was nothing like a summer day whether the girls were little or grown, the time when leisure truly meant leisure and the days at the pool with all the friends were how we chose to while away the day! Summertime and the living was easy. We just didn't know it. Summertime. The time that still starts with three birthdays in our immediate family, blended into five by July and so many celebrations in between. Summertime. That time that really belonged to Michael and Allison, we knew it then, and we know it now. Summertime. When the hammock was put up by Michael for her, for him, but really for her visit. When their pool was put up for the neighbors and anyone who stopped by, when he would hang by the fence and forget the chore he came out to do, but rather, stand in the yard, sit on the swing, hang on the gate, and talk the time away. When the visits to Hull were all we talked about and planned for, when we would arrive and the deck would be filled with boys in ten minutes because the Powers' cousins had arrived. Michael began his worry that girls were in the house for a week, a month, or a whole summer. Summertime. When SHE asked HIM if she could stay if she got a job, and he said yes, and she had one in 20 minutes, thanks to Matt taking her over to the camp. HER life was changed forever, and so was HIS.

Summertime and the living is easy....has in many senses, become, summertime, and the living is NOT so easy. It's not so easy because we never knew just how painful memories can be, how much emotional fatigue it takes to pack the bags and the summer boxes without them, how much emotional energy it takes to make a meal, to plan, to organize, to shop, to put up the hammock, for Karen to figure out how to "open" a pool, for us to once again visit "heaven on earth" without her, to put our toes in the sand and remember the images of HIM burying HER in the sand, HIM taking all the children to the beach and making memories for all of them, for HER to come so alive, OR relaxed in the place she loved best. While thankful and blessed for the memories, the pain associated with their absence has blended into one at times. Not really separate now, because summer came, and went, and HE was gone. Summertime. The time, so appropriate really, when the good Lord took Michael home, to his resting place, to meet his beloved Allison, whose hands were reached out all the way. Summertime. A foggy morning when a town was asleep, not a sound could be heard, until the sun came out, and the whispers began. Michael is gone. Gone from us. Gone from our town. But asleep with Jesus and alive with his loved ones.

Summertime. It takes on all sorts of new horizons, images, feelings, memories, joys and pain. The pain of losing him, her, Michael, Allison, is setting in. We all feel it. We don't need the calendar. We just know what we know. And even when we are confused by it, our soul knows. We have to dig deep and ask God what is this all about. Why am I on the verge of tears? Why am I dreaming and having fitful nights? Why am I/we reliving something that doesn't need to be relived? Why does my mind take so long to catch up to my soul? Why can't I let the images go? And God whispers back, that it's all part of the process. We are right where He wants us. We are right where we are supposed to be. And so are they. Allison and Michael. At rest. No more cancer. No more worries. Only true peace. The kind that comes when we know God has the answers, the master plan, the course already mapped out. If only we can stay focused on that when the pain comes, when the seasons change, and when the summer comes, and the living is not so easy.