The Oxygen Mask

Through it all, the pain, the grief, the loss, the devastation, I learned something very quickly, and still learn every single day, no one is going to know how to take care of me, like me. It became painfully clear when I needed more time off from work to begin to process the shock waves that were rippling through my body, soul, mind, and heart, that the "world" wasn't quite ready for that. The "Kathy" that they knew before, who dedicated herself to everything and everybody for over 25 years, was now stepping back to take care of herself first. Later, much later, one of my life healers who I sought out, and still do, shared with me that there is a reason that we as parents are asked to put the oxygen mask on first in case of emergency when flying on the airplane. That is so we can take care of ourselves, first, then take care of the needs of our children. In a way, that is what I have found myself doing since Allison's passing, taking care of me, first, so that I can nourish the soul and just get up, live the day, possibly get some sleep, not dream, not hold nightmares to mean something, breathe, get through the milestones, wake up through the tears that feel as though they consume me in the night, make the meals, host the family functions, take the trips, be a mother, wife, sister, friend, and neighbor. I am learning to put the oxygen mask on myself, first.

When I first did that, it was surprising to many, as I have said. It was even surprising to me! I had not done that to the capacity in which I needed to, just to survive, just to live. I didn't really know how to go about it. So, I read everything in sight, became a learner, looked into my own soul, grappled with the loss, and still do...I soaked it all in, I stepped away, away from my career, social functions, weddings, graduations, and yes, in the process, have "lost" some friends and acquaintances along the way. Those friends and acquaintances that cannot understand and cannot help but make it personal, those I meet in the store, or run into along the way, that turn their eyes, and move along as if they didn't see me. No, it's not my imagination. It has happened. And I am "okay" with it. At least now, almost five years into this journey. Many have their opinions, still do, over why I "left them", whether it was from school, parties, phone calls, important family functions. I would like to scream out that it is not intentional, it is where I am, I have to be selective, pick and choose, and sometimes, just getting up, walking the dog, cleaning the house, or shopping is all I can do, for that day, for that moment, still, and maybe always.

The "oxygen mask" must be put on...It must take precedence over all things. It has to be a big one, though, for in grief, the many layers have to be peeled off, attended to, massaged, cared for, and loved. If I have no oxygen, I have nothing to give. And when the life, air that I breathe, partial reason for existence was stripped away, I had to learn, all over again, how to give myself sustenance. I find ways to do that. Today, on the Grieving Mothers Facebook page, I read a passage that means a lot to me, and I wish that I could turn the hands of time back a bit, and take care of ME sooner. But it's not too late for me to help spread the word to others, to my daughter, husband, sister, now in her own grief walk, nephews and niece, young mothers, friends and their children, the list goes on and on. For when we give ourselves the nourishment of oxygen we need, it is then that we can get through the madness, the crisis, the pain, the loss, all the challenges that come with life. We don't really need such "nourishment" when things are going well, but one day, when it all caves in, and it will, we need to know that we know how to reach for the oxygen. No one else can apply the mask, give us air, or sustain us.
We have to find our way, and thankfully, for me, I have a variety of ways that I can center myself and keep on breathing, keep on living, keep on giving.

Closing, and comprehending, and listening, and being aware of what I read, I will share this from the site I mentioned, for me, when I find my way, yes, even in my deepest grief, to apply to my own life, one of these, two of them, all of them, I am applying the oxygen mask.

Take time to think, it is the source of power.
Take time to read, it is the foundation of wisdom.
Take time to be quiet, it is the moment to seek God.
Take time to laugh, it is the music of the soul.
Take time to be friendly, it is the road to happiness.
Take time to love and be loved, it is God's greatest gift.
Take time to pray, it is the greatest power on earth.