Looking For God

There is a saying, "looking for LOVE in all the wrong places", that has stuck in my head the last few days. Not sure why. I think I heard the song on the radio recently. Anyway, as I go about my day, each one, and I ask God to be a part of it, invite Him, sometimes even beg and plead to help me see Him in all of this...in the day of a life, so to speak, I look for Him. And I ask Him to let me see Him clearly. When the pain of loss is so wrenching, when the news of the day from friends and acquaintances, let alone a nation, can tear my heart out, I just ask Him to help me focus and be one with Him. And what I am so pleased to know, is, He never lets me down. But He has me working...oh, does He have me working.

It's not easy to see where He fits in the puzzle, at times. At other times, it is that very God-like moment that I know He is carrying me, protecting me, giving me gifts that I am sure I do not even deserve. Michael used to ask me how I could think like that when my daughter was here one minute, gone in eleven weeks, leaving parents, sister, cousins, friends, family, all here to try to live on, live strong. He also questioned "why" when by his standards, Michael's that is, WE were good people?! Michael came to know, through his own journey, that it does not ultimately come down to how many good deeds, doesn't factor in what WE think of ourselves, or others, that God truly knows our heart. And best of all, Michael came to realize that no religion, no politics, no opinions matter when it is your time to meet your Creator. It's between Him and you, and that all along, we are ALL looking for God.

I have looked in the eyes of a dear friend in the last day, had a heartfelt conversation, able to share some things about Allison's last days, that I have shared with only a few, this relationship built on trust for many years...it just happened, I didn't plan it, but there it was, and it was a God moment. It's a God moment that our dear Cassidy is alive and able to rehabilitate, not leaving her children, her parents, her loved ones, rather, being saved for a purpose that none of us can know. It's a God moment every morning when I have the privilege of taking Rex around the block and sniff each blade of grass while I look up and I see what I see in the formation of the clouds, knowing my daughter is in my spirit for eternity, yes, yearning for her physical presence with every fiber of my soul, but knowing she is at peace. I don't have to look too far for God to be assured of where she is, for He gave me a gift, to be with her and usher her to her heavenly home, and in doing so, giving me the sweet assurance that she is in very capable hands. God moments are everywhere, if we look, even when we are so crazy busy with LIFE, even in pain, even in our deepest sorrow, even when we cry and scream to Him to please reveal what is good about this life we live.

It was a definite God moment, I knew it then, and I know it now, when I had the "last" full and necessary conversation with Michael, July 4th, as I headed for home, leaving the family of four in tact for what I knew would be their last full week together. I knew, not only because God sent the spirit for me to know, but because He had me journey through it before, so the signs were obvious, but only to those in the know. The conversation was sweet and spiritual and blessed, and it was our last. He knew it. I knew it. He needed some assurances of his own about the people he was about to leave behind. I was able to give them, making no promise that I knew I could not keep. And he made me a promise, asking me if there was anything he could do for me. I tried to answer. The words wouldn't come. They were stuck in my throat. How could a man who was dying ask ME if there was anything HE could do...but he knew, anyway. That was a God moment that we didn't even have to go looking for...and in a whisper he told me that he would tell Allison that we are okay. The tears flowed, his, mine. That wasn't Michael talking, that wasn't me, that was a higher power and a spirit that is so strong that it cannot be denied. Walking away was the most difficult thing I ever did, but it had to be done, as his son took me to the airport and the tears flowed. I could tell no one, at the time, what had just happened, but God knew.

It was another God moment, when seventeen days later, I was back with Michael, Karen and the boys. As I arrived, there was a whisper, "are you really here", and I said yes, and in that moment, he knew, his beloved Karen would have her sister there, his sons would be there, and all would be right with the world. No, he didn't go easily, but he went in God's timing. He got to hear all of his family gathered, talking, laughing, loving, his home filled to the brim with people, just as he liked it, and when the small peninsula town was fast asleep, a blanket of fog keeping all inside, God intervened, morning broke, the sun rose, and Michael left, yet he stayed. That is God and God is good.

No, it's never easy to find God at times. Especially in the despair and devastation. But He is there, always right there. At that moment, on July 24, I left the family for a bit, went to the hammock and cried the tears that needed to come, sobbed, couldn't breathe, but I wasn't alone. I was held up, just like I have been every day since I was born, and in every trial and tribulation. I didn't have to look far for God that day. And I still don't.

So, today, when my heart is crying and the remembrances are cutting deep, I keep looking. I always will, and I will see Him. I will see Him in so many things today, in the blue eyed angel, as Ciara calls Allison, in the spunk and vitality of my physical daughter, in the love I have for my husband, brother, my sister, my boys, Matt and Joe, for Sarah, who will become the next Mrs. Powers, for so many, I will see Him in the blessings that surround me, and I will see Him when I ask to be held up, when I ask Him to carry my sister through these trying days, and when I ask Him to bless us all as we move through these weeks ahead and gather in His name to celebrate, celebrate a life, many lives, many memories,

I pray I am looking for God, and looking in all the RIGHT places.