The Blueprint

Letting go of MY blueprint, my plans, my thoughts of how life was supposed to be has been, IS, a process. It doesn't come easily, without pain, without kicking and screaming, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. I thought I had it all figured out, after all, I followed somewhat of the pattern of expectations, did I not...I went to college, married, became a teacher, raised children, went to church as a family, attended all of the girls' activities or events, was the scout leader, the Sunday School teacher, on and on it went. And on and on, so it goes.

Only, life is really about MY blueprint. In the devastation of losses, that now begin to accumulate, I can sit in disbelief, I can shake my head, I can wonder, how in the world did I get here, of all places, to the here and now? I can also find myself slipping into a state of mind that perhaps allows me to feel completely and utterly alone. When those moments come, I DO allow them, I DO visit them, as one of my wise and wonderful therapists encouraged me to do, but I DON'T allow myself to STAY there, or at least not too long. I visit, I ask God to get me to the next minute, to help me remember to breathe, and I ask for gratitude in the situation or moment. It doesn't come easily, and it doesn't come willingly. I must open my heart to accept all that is mine to accept. And acceptance comes, it wavers, it makes detours, it vacillates, but it comes...acceptance that the blueprint of my life is not as I had planned, but is here for me to handle, respond to, embrace as I must.

I know the God within me is what has empowered me to pick myself up again. There is no other explanation. Joe goes to work each and every morning, Jennifer is building her own life, my family and friends have their own lives to attend to, so who is it that gets Kathy up, and going and moving and living. It surely is not by my own design, I have learned that much, it is only by the grace of God that I am this far, living out the new blueprint, the one created just for me. I surely didn't design it, nor did I ask for it, but now, instead of being handed one, I am a student of life, maneuvering through the blueprint that has been created, and I pray to release the one I HAD planned, and embrace the one that is mine to own.

We can all hear stories and know of situations that could be considered far worse than our own, and we can certainly look at others and find ourselves almost envying the goodness in their lives. Life is perplexing, situations are confusing, and even as I sit here, close to five years ago when Allison was diagnosed with cancer, only to leave us a few short eleven weeks later, I still feel a sort of shock ripple through me, when I feel her presence, when I look into her pictures, when I travel the same roads we did to bring her home. I am awestruck! I am perplexed! I am in disbelief! And one thing I do know, time, in no way, represents a place where I should be...I am where I am. And I am okay with that. I may "look" good, "sound" good, "appear" good in all ways, but I am what I am. I have my own blueprint, now. I will manage it, I will follow it, or at least try, I will learn to live with the brokenness AND in spite of it. I will continue to seek God's wisdom, and put myself clearly in His path, and be open to receive. This is how I must follow my own blueprint, for this moment, this hour, this day.