Courting Grief

I read this term, "courting grief", on a page I receive from Second Firsts and how the then therapist counseled and advised others on grief, but later, lived it first hand through her own pain of a loved one dying. She didn't expand on it, but used the term that resonated with me..."courting grief", and all of a sudden, I had my own interpretation of what it meant.

Perhaps it's because of the many conversations my sister and I have had in the wake of her husband's passing, perhaps it's because of the many ones I have held with my own husband in the passing of our daughter, or the ones I have with nearly everyone I come into contact with these days. Loss is everywhere. It is in our own family, so tightly, so uniquely, so unimaginably, so unfairly, if you will, yet, what is FAIR? It's intense. It's a wave to ride. It's here to stay. It remains that constant companion that I have spoken of for nearly five years now. Grief. Courting Grief!

When do we stop COURTING grief, and taking it on as our partner. What are we supposed to do with it? What does it look like, feel like, sound like? How do we know when we are at the "right" place, or in the "timely" stage? How are we supposed to go on, live, pay bills, let alone breathe, laugh, sing or dance? When does the naive and numb pain of COURTING grief become our new found reality? When do we trade "going through the motions of life" for the life that is now ours to live? What is the purpose of grief? Are we supposed to wake up one day and "get it", become "healed", and let go? Questions. Questions without answers. Or should I say, questions with answers that are as unique as each one of us are, as unique as the relationship we had with the loved one, or as unique as the type of loss.

Does the courting stage of grief become "easier"? Would we, would I, go back to what my perception of that term means...those months and even years, after Allison passed on, when I sat numb, went through the "motions", tried to grasp the reality of her physical absence, making dinners that I didn't taste, filling the emptiness with cookies, or puddings, or a late afternoon glass of wine, only to find that the pit grew deeper and wider. Would I return to the blank look in my eyes, the inability to imagine taking photographs again, the quiet of my voice, the quiet of our home, of our very existence? Would I recall, even if I could, how I "got through" those motions, those first steps, when friends or loved ones put timeframes or perimeters on my grief, my pain, my loss, my ability, or inability to "move on"? Would there come a time when some of this would become natural and part of my very existence, when grief would accompany me in much the same way as the winter jacket for a cool night, or the right purse to match the colors of the day? Would it ever become "comfortable" and fitting, will it ever penetrate me completely, waking up my senses enough to know this is my new normal? Would I accept it?

Grief is work. I have spoken to others willing to listen, able to hear the deepness of my inner soul, and even written about it. It takes so much work just to maneuver. And "courting grief" is a phrase I can totally relate to...as I said, I have my own perception of its definition. I have danced with it, fought with it, cried through it, hated and despised it, begged God to understand it, acknowledged it, affirmed it, embraced it, tried to let it go, but all the while, finding it to be a process that is mine to behold. Mine is mine. My daughter's is hers. My sister's is hers. Yours is yours. Unique, yet, the same.

I don't think I am just "courting grief" any longer, I know I am in full fledged living through it. Like the days of "courting" our mates, dates, partners, it has flirted with me, brought me to places in my heart and soul I never knew I existed,physically taken me to new places, made me euphoric, only to let me down, it has kissed every part of me, and it has sustained me. And when the "courting" stage has ended, and the real work begins, or when I see others in the "courting" stage, and wish with everything I have within, to go back there, I know that I had my time. The courting, for me, is over. The real work has begun. I will embrace you, you unimaginable pain, you, this part of life we will all endure at some point, for loss is inevitable. "Courting grief" is in my past, but I still go back to that place, and revisit it, when I learned what it was, how it would impact my life, and I hold true to the fact that I am in this place, this very moment in time, for a reason only God can know. I will do my best. That is all He asks of me.