Come To Grips

I wonder if I will ever fully "come to grips" that she is gone, my youngest child. But in some ways I know I must, have, am coming to grips for when we don't, we cannot live. It is a false fantasy to believe that mourning is going to ever go away, that I will wake up one day and this will be "over", things will be different. They won't. I have prayed every day to God above to give me the wisdom and strength to focus my energies on my life and the lives of those I love. He has never let me down for I have found life in every day. Sometimes the life, especially in the early days, as I "adjusted" to this overwhelming change of life, the unexpected shock to a body, mind and soul that pierced my very existence, consisted only of getting to the grocery store and making a meal. How I went through the motions for so long, and some days, still do. But I live, in the only way I know how to do so. My task is to incorporate this grief into the rest of my life so that it doesn't consume or dominate, a task that doesn't get accomplished by accident, but by faithful prayer and reflection and purpose.

I look for the good things to outweigh this loss, this pain, this trauma, this fatigue. I keep looking and searching and inevitably, there it is, something good, so that I can honestly say, "life is good". I believe that, and live it, for myself, my daughter, my husband, my family. And the memory of the one who went before us gives us strength and motivation to "come to grips" with the reality of death and loss. Even in this sadness I must be open to new adventures and opportunities.

Such an opportunity came last evening as we celebrated the July birthdays, Kathy's and Jen's, at a restaurant where they cooked at your table...we laughed, we enjoyed the moment, we tried something so far out of the ordinary for us! Yes, we knew there was the missing piece, the reservations off by a number, always. Yes, the youngest one of our small family surely wanted to share this celebration with her sister, to have the companionship of days gone, to laugh and make a memory that could be talked about for years. But that is not to be...instead, we get up, get dressed, put our best foot forward, look at the moment, and find the one thing, anything, big or small, to celebrate. My heart, body and mind can tell you exactly how long she has been gone from our physical grasp, but it can also tell you how her presence lingers. Like a gift, just last night, as we came back to our house for dessert and presents, pink, puffy clouds lined the sky, clouds like we have never seen before, so much so, that again, our house seemed to be illuminated by the look and glow of pink cotton candy. In the middle of our evening, the message was clear, "I am here, mom, dad, Jen, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Kathy, Uncle David, Danny, I am here, and I am assisting you as you come to grips with death, and live". She wants us to live, and she must know how difficult it has been, and still is, but she is there to guide us into living strong and seizing this day.