We have all heard the lessons about not judging others until you walk in their shoes. We learn it in Sunday School through the Bible stories, we hear it from our parents, we are drilled in classrooms across America, but, still, unless it is modeled for us, we don't really ever get it completely. We still do it, at times, we THINK we know what would be best for others, or what we might do in their circumstance. We just have great opinions, that is, until it comes closer to home.
My brother and sister and I were pretty fortunate that in our parents, we did not see them judging others. Sure, our mother did have her opinions and could lean toward the side of gossip! Our father not only taught us with words, but with actions, that until we walked in those exact shoes, we would never know, so there was no point, or sense, in voicing an opinion. He really did help us understand the true meaning of The Golden Rule! However, who among us has not "slipped" occasionally, or over time, in thinking, or making a statement, about what others should or should not do. I have tried to refrain, but know I have surely "judged" another in my lifetime. I see or hear what they are going through and perhaps think, or believe, I would do something differently. I wonder why they don't just get the help they need or make the choices or changes necessary to move through their situation. And when I slip into that type of thinking, I am reminded of how we teach our children that each of us have choices, that indeed, we are responsible only for ourselves and our decisions. We cannot make the choices for our spouses, our children, our friends, our loved ones. Still, sometimes, we think we know best. And we know best because we have no frame of reference or perspective, we just think we do, we think we know what we would do, given the same circumstances. But we don't.
Since the passing of our precious daughter, I have been privy to so much learning, met new people along the way that I know would have never entered my life had Allison not paved the way. And we have amazing conversations, most likely because in each other, we find that common bond, that one individual who truly knows, understands, feels what we feel, even when our circumstances are different. Loss is loss, but add to it the type of loss, and that factors in other issues...suicide, car accidents, murder, cancer. Not only do we lose our child, but then we have to "deal" with the circumstances that are unique to our own case, and that adds another element. Perhaps that is why some parents whose children took their own life, intentionally or not, bond together. Perhaps that is why I am drawn to the mothers and fathers who suffer right along with their child who fights the intensity of cancer only to find one day that they must prepare to leave this earth. God knows the pain in my heart even as I type these words and the extra pain sometimes extended by "well meaning" friends or acquaintances.
One such person commented to me recently, via an e-mail, that we all know Allison is gone but that it is time to focus on our daughter who is alive, and that she hoped I took no offense. I was stunned and brought to my knees with the audacity of such a statement. Who among us knows, unless you live in this house, just what we have been through and how we react with our living child? Yes, I know that most people would never think such a thing, let alone say it, but the words ripped to my core, and hovered over me like a dark cloud for days. This person is not the only one who has expressed an opinion, maybe not as bold, but others such as...Allison would want you to attend my child's wedding, you should get out more, isn't it time to socialize more, wouldn't it be better for you if you went back to work...I could list a litany of concerned expressions. Instead, what I work to focus on is the love and support (I will not say understanding) of those who not only could not imagine, but admit that they do not. I appreciate so much those who just say that there are no words that they can say, and to them, I say, silence is golden, love and support are felt. Words can never be taken back once they are out, so in an effort to try to say something, I encourage others to not even think such things, let alone say them. Do not judge until you walk this journey.
I share this today because so many grieving mothers have shared statements with me that have brought them to their knees, in their time of vulnerability and pain. I share this today because there is going to be another grieving parent in your midst, it is not going to stop with the Haake family. I share this today because we must stop feeling and thinking we know what someone else journeys through, that what we "see" is not what it is...
Parental grief is the one type of loss that most of us do not know how to respond to. I was there once, too. I hope and pray I never said anything that could be understood as less than loving. I hope and pray that I never sought to put a time limit, that in 28 months I expected the parents to "get over it". I hope and pray that I kept them in my prayers, asking God to hold them up just so they could find a way to live, honor God, their deceased child, their living children, and themselves. And God knows what is in my heart, so I ask Him every day, and have since January 9, 2007, to help me learn what is intended from this bend in the road, to be the beacon He desires, to speak when appropriate, to be silent when needed, to touch a hand, or just be there, to know what is needed and not wait for someone who will never know what they need, to ask. I pray I am taking this journey as He has intended, knowing He has used Allison for powerful purposes, knowing He left us all, Joe, Jennifer, me, and yes, even Barkley, to serve out His will.
Yes, silence can be golden, words are often unnecessary, especially when there is love. If we don't even think it, we won't feel compelled to say it. There is no room for judging others, even when we THINK we HAVE walked in their shoes.
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