Doing It Alone

I have realized that lately I have slipped back into thinking I am in control. I have been doing it alone. Well, not technically. I am surrounded by many. The last weeks, months, really, have been a whirlwind. I have travelled back and forth to Karen and Michael's haven, spent time that I will cherish forever. As God would have it, spent time in the passage of Michael's soul from this life, to the everlasting. To witness this event was a gift beyond all gifts, of course, with the exception of the same gift given when Allison left us. Oh to love and lose them, how glorious to be a witness, but how gut wrenching to live on without them. So, I journey through grief again, layer upon layer, silencing me, then restoring me, then helping me to embrace this day, this life. So, I grasp it all, as best I can, my way, but also in a way that is pleasing and helpful to the family. In the course of living and keeping on, I am forgetting at times, that I don't have to carry the full burden, I don't have to do this alone. I must not leave God out of the equation. He has been my rock, my salvation, the impetus to my very being. Yet, somehow, in all the grief triggers of this season where we lost our own child and sister, niece and cousin, friend and grandchild, I have tried to do it alone. How did I slip back so quickly, or was it gradually? How did I think I, alone, could hold this family together, let alone, myself? How have I forgotten to take time to pray, really pray and seek the answers? How have I forgotten to thank God for each little blessing of this life?

I won't beat myself up for doing it alone. I will simply regroup. I will find my comfort in the love of God and those He has given me for this time. I will be thankful for the opportunity to share Allison's "face" during Lung Cancer Month and walk in loving remembrance. I will be thankful for a safe trip to Washington, DC, to spend time with Karen's family, my family, to share in the laughter and in the tears, and to walk a city of monumental strength, not to mention, to "show up" and walk for Michael as a proud Stepper! I will look at the stars and smile and I will know that I am loved. The blessings and gratitudes are endless. I won't forget. I may slip into grief triggers, or pain, or loss, or tears, or even illness, but I won't keep trying to do this alone.

It is so easy to give away my energy. It is so easy because that is how I was raised, that is often what society expects. I don't always know how to look inside. I don't really want to, at times. Most times. It is not always "accepted" to put self before others. But as dear Helen helped me to see, without the oxygen being applied to myself first, it cannot be shared with others. And I want to share it. I am a natural caregiver, tending to, fussing over, or doing for, others. I know many others just like me! It's our gift, and it is our curse. But when we are fragile, tired, weary, grief stricken, whatever the case may be, it is only ourselves who can know what it is we need. And all I know is, I cannot do it alone. Yes, I have a loving, kind, tender husband, a spirited daughter, family, friends, and anyone who would come running. But in the end, who is that can really inspire, love, and charge me to be ME...and that answer lies in myself. And that answer lies in devotion to God above, who never forsakes or leaves, the one "constant" in a world that can be too overwhelming to live in, especially as I live in grief.

Today I will trust in God and do something. Do anything to help myself get back on track. I will remind myself that I need not do this alone.