A long time favorite singer of mine, Mary Chapin Carpenter, has apparently made a comeback and I am ever so glad! There is nothing like her voice, in my opinion! And like many artists, one can tell that the journey of life has taken a different turn for them, for their lyrics are much more reflective, intuitive, softer, if you will. The carefree days of innocence and partying like a rock star are over. Life has set in. It has a way of doing that. It eventually does that, for all of us. Our travels take us different paths, roads, detours, journeys, but, still, the pavement intersects and we can see it in another's eyes, feel it in their hug, know it in our heart, know it by the tears shed, or the laughter that somehow doesn't feel so light hearted anymore. Life hands us burdens. We only get to choose how we will go on from there, how we will respond, how we will travel.
Like the song's lyrics, I feel I have travelled so far. So far. Yet, sometimes not far enough. Where am I supposed to be? Does this loss of a child, a young 21 year old who we will honor at a Lung Cancer Event tomorrow, define me? What does? What doesn't? I have many unanswered questions. I don't try to seek those answers, most of the time. Oh yes, sometimes, I wonder...I wonder how our daughter can be one of the youngest to lose her life to lung cancer. Other ways, yes, but lung cancer? I wonder how I will live a life to old age without her? I wonder if I will ever feel like the threads of my heart are sewn together again and I will FEEL like I used to...I wonder many things. I wonder, as stated in the lyrics, "why do some go and some stay"? But also, from the lyrics, I know I have travelled so far. I am proud of the journey, the fact that I am here, still standing, working a full day today to get ready for an event that will make some noise for Lung Cancer! I am proud of myself for getting up each morning, holding social events, or simply making a meal! I am proud of myself that I can "show up" for things, in honor of my deceased child, but in celebration of the lives who are still here. And as I listen to the song, it inspires me to keep travelling, show some inspiration, make my daughters proud, give my husband a reason to keep working, keep working myself on my passions.
Oh, I have travelled so far. I am often weary. I am most always weak. I find myself breathless and dismayed as to how much energy it takes to just BE. Everything we get, we get the hard way. It wasn't supposed to be easy, was it? The travels before the walk of grief seem like a walk in the park, but who am I kidding? It wasn't.
But perspectives change with life, with the journey.
I have a path to travel that I would have never predicted. I can't change things. I must learn to accept...much easier said than done. I must maneuver this my way, and I will. I keep turning to God and asking for direction. I will never stop trying to learn what His purpose is for my life. I know that wherever I go, there I am. I know that I have travelled so far.
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