Mother to Mother, Heart to Heart

When I saw her face, embraced, and hugged her, a very long hug where neither of us wanted to let go...well, it was in that moment that we seemed all alone, yet there were literally hundreds of people standing around. I didn't notice them. I doubt that she did, either. In that instant, we were mother to mother, heart to heart. She was NOT the little girl I had watched grow up. She was NOT the little one I saw at the pool, spent time with on vacation, babysat and made crafts with one beautiful Saturday morning. I was NOT her mother's good friend, her elder, the one who had been a part of each other's lives for over twenty years. We were mother to mother, heart to heart. And in that embrace, we had two other heartbeats with us, I felt it, I know she did, too. There they were, her Lilly, my Allison. Our precious daughters, one living as an angel, literally within hours of her birth, another, forever 21 years old, were more present than if they had been standing around us like the others.

We have corresponded often since the passage of both of our daughters, especially since Lilly Kate, and mostly because of Allison. Allison paved the way for loss. She helped me to KNOW what no mother should know. She helped me to cling to faith when I would have rather abandoned it! She taught lessons that reach farther than any classroom. She taught me that a mother's love never dies, that I am always and forever her mother, just in a different way. She prepared me to help other mothers when it became their turn to grieve, live, and love. She provided the words from a heart that has so much to say. So, naturally, having a "connection" to this young mother, Lauren, she helped me reach out to her when Lilly was born, a twin to Cowen, and she nudged me when Lauren needed extra support, encouragement and love. Allison helps me to KNOW what no mother should know. And now, Lauren knows. She knows what it is like to give birth, only to release that child back to the hands of the Father. She knows the pain of a grieving heart. She knows how to live strong for her children, seize this day, make the best of it. She knows how to find strength and stand strong with a husband who is grieving, too. She knows.

But still, we cannot possibly understand one another's burdens of the heart. This young woman is just starting out, in some ways, as she raises her children. Lilly would make four babies to raise! Now there are three! Her children are almost the age when I first knew of her, so of course, she and I cannot totally relate! I have seen it all, where she is on the threshold! Yet, she knows, and I know, that we have something in common that most women would never allow their heart to feel, we carry our child in the confines of our heart, where no one truly sees, because we cannot explain. With each other, there is no need to explain. Mother to mother, heart to heart, we knew. We know. And if I could have held her forever, I would have.

She says I inspire her! She says my words bring comfort! I suppose what she does not know is that SHE is the one who inspires ME. Yes, I can send the card, and speak from the heart, I can send the Christmas ornament for Lilly and I can celebrate her life. And I can definitely understand and FEEL more than I ever wanted to...don't think I don't feel Lilly every milestone, every holiday, every time I see on her Facebook page what Cowen is doing! I feel too much because I know what I know. I know about that missing face in the photograph, that in our case there should be four, in their, six! I know we both should be buying those Christmas gifts for our beloved daughters who have gone before us. I know what triggers are and I live with flashbacks. So, I know what I know. I know I am blessed to have had 21 years of memories and photographs, yet, still, as I watch this young mother interact with her own dear sister, I wonder...I wonder what it would be like for Jennifer if she had her life to share, in the physical sense, with Allison. I wonder what Allison would look like, would she marry, have children. I know Lauren wonders, too. It's just something you know, mother to mother, heart to heart.

I don't know how she happened to be at the Lung Cancer Walk this weekend, I really don't. I don't know what brought her to town. I don't know how her raffle was chosen for the basket of love we donated in Allison's name to the event, when there were over 76 other items and thousands of tickets. I don't know how I happened to be standing in a sea of hundreds when she walked up. I don't know...or, maybe I do. Mother to mother, heart to heart, one just knows.