Dying in Winter

This week, on this "anniversary" of four years, I found myself asking God why she had to die in winter...why does this week have so many parallels to that week in 2007 when weather changed drastically and we went from a sunburst of color, to gray skies, to sleet, to ice, to snow, to frozen temperatures. Our city was at a standstill at times, and so many without power. We, of course, were one of the fortunate ones. We kept our power throughout the whole week, when literally thousands had to endure the cold and ice with little relief, no heat, no lights, no power. I hadn't thought of this much, because, at the time, I wasn't too impacted. I didn't know just how blessed we were that we were one of few houses in our own subdivision, let alone the entire metropolitan area. I was preparing for a funeral, a burial of my child, a tribute, a celebration. It was up to her family to set the tone for what was to be, we had no plan, blueprint, idea how to go about this. One day she was here, one day we realized she may not be, and in what seemed an instant, she was gone, and we were left, to move and live and breathe, orchestrate and organize the most important day of Allison's life. We did our best with what we knew to do. And now, the memory of that day, this day, similar in many ways, brings a smile to my heart, yet a stabbing, piercing reality that I lost my child. She died in winter.

It seemed appropriate, and still does, in a way. Only, this week, as I have endured the emotions that surge, the pain of the reality of it all, the thought of my child being ushered to her resting place, through the snow, the ice, the freezing temperatures by the boys, well, men, really, who loved her most...well, the images, the flashbacks are difficult. Yet, they do make me smile at times. After all, there were balloons, and pictures, and a video, and love, and laughter, and stories and memories. But then the reality of it all takes that place in my soul, and in the depths of pain and grief and sadness and loss, and in days when it is most difficult to get out and about, in snow and slick roads, in sub zero temperatures, I ask, God, why did she die in winter?!! Why not spring, when I could get to her grave, why not summer, which was such a favorite season, why not autumn, when the trees are beautiful and I can sit and look up, in the beauty of your creations? Why not when it was warmer, milder, calmer? And it is then that I feel Him smiling, almost laughing at me...as if I could question at all what happens in HIS timing!!! The nerve, I almost hear Him say back, sending me the message of spirit. The audacity, He almost chides, that I would even wonder or question! But, He is not angered or mad, or frustrated, or combative...He gently reminds me of His own timing, through His word, His love, His plan, His timing. Of course, she died in winter. Of course, the service was celebrated and even mentioned about the picture perfect New England day, the type of day she has become known for, the kind of day that reminds everyone of her life on this earth. The type of day that would have brought her so much comfort, where she would have stayed on that couch, and we would have baked chocolate chip cookies, and lounged around, or played outside. The kind of day that brings memory to her sister and her friends. The kind of day EVERY kid loves! The kind of day, made just for her, a winter day, the "dead of winter" as goes the phrase, yet, the LIFE of winter, when I think of her.

God has His ways. She lived for only eleven weeks. She could have left us in a day, a week, a month, or two. But, she didn't. God waited until the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect day, the right plan, all for her. She died in winter, so that all the other seasons she would live. I am grateful for the reasoning and the reminders of His great love and mercy and grace. I am grateful that winter will cease, in time, and then will come spring, summer and that beautiful fall. I am grateful for the sweet remembrance of a celebration of life, something we all needed, right smack in the "dead of winter". Four years ago today. I cling to the words of the pastors, the love of those who could be with us, the connection of family, and the celebration of a life that continues to give, guide, love, and share. Allison, I will keep looking at winter as YOUR time, not the time you died, but the time you lived. You are my heart, my soul, my being, my breath. You are the ice, the snow, the cold, and every season in between. You rest, now, from the pain, but soar and stay with me. I need you now and forever, until we meet again.