Who Would I Be?!!???

I often wonder, who would I be, what would I be doing, WHERE would I be if not for her passing, her diagnosis, her legacy, the spiritual awakening, the revelations, the pain, the incomprehensible grief...who would I be, if she had lived? I try not to GO THERE, because I know this is part of God's plan, yet...I still wonder. At times. I try not to spend too much time contemplating a concrete answer for there will be none. I am where I am, and I face grief like a part of my day that has become part of a routine, just as getting up, brushing my teeth, cleaning house, preparing meals, all accomplished now, with the cloak, the aura, the shadow of grief surrounding me. I am learning how to go through all the motions of life, with a new zest for the day, with new meaning to words like hope, love, faith, and a favorite, cherish. I cherish so much more since she is gone. I suppose if I realistically could, I would travel the world, and back, just to see what she now sees from a different perspective. Just to see what she didn't, in the physical sense, knowing all the while that it is God using her to guide me, assist me, restore me, push me, nudge me, and love me, until I love myself enough jut to BE.

I do know that nothing bothers me, nor will it ever again, and rarely am I irritated. I do know that simple pleasures have become greater gifts than anything money can buy. I do know that there are no worries in this lifetime, for I have climbed the mountain, to the top, and back down again, and know, now, that every problem has a solution. I do know that who I AM is not who I would have been, if not for her passage. I do know that it also takes work, this life, this living without her, suppressing the flashbacks, the memories that cancer brought on, and to try to regain those of a happier time, more carefree, days gone by that thankfully serve as the picture window of my mind. The camera is always going. The playbacks are always winding, and I try to capture those, instead of others.

Sometimes I don't know who I am, even four years later. I stopped working right after she passed away, and I am thankful. I know that as much as I miss that part of my life, that was a gift from God, delivered by Allison. As each day unfolds, I know the reasons I am not adding THAT type of stress to my life. I am thankful. I have seen the reasons that I was able to travel back and forth to visit my sister and brother in law, in his final years, months, weeks, days....to be there with the family as we said good-bye, again, to a beloved. I have seen the reasons that I am home to make a comfortable setting for a husband who grieves in a very quiet, secluded way, who works to this day to remain strong and true to his love for a deceased daughter, and one filled with life. I find myself discovering new things and new ways, and opportunities, each and every day, yet there are those moments when I wonder, who would I be? Where would I be? WHAT would I be?

Really, there is no reason to wonder. God took care of that. The path is laid out, and it is mine to follow. Absolutely no one gets me up in the morning, something that is still rather difficult, even on this fourth anniversary week. No one spurs me on and takes me by the hand and leads me through this journey. But I am not remarkable or even inspirational, as some would say. What they don't know, is that this is not me. It is divine intervention at its best, it is a will to live, and live strong for those I love, which includes my immediate family, my siblings, their children, and a whole host of friends and others. It is the power of God's grace that I ask for each and every day, even now. Nothing about this is simple, easy. Nothing about seeing how Allie's friends are growing up, finding out who they are, perhaps marrying, having babies, settling into careers, nothing is easy at all. It takes perseverance and patience and prayer and fortitude to stay a part of their lives, but it is also important to do so. We have one thing in common, none of us are who we would have been, had she not left us when she did.

Who would I be? I'll never know. Does it even matter? I am what I am, who I am, where I am, for reasons that will become clearer and clearer with the passage of time. I am defined now, by many things, her life, her death, her sister and family living out a legacy. We are not what we once were, we are learning lessons others won't know until it is their own time. For now, it is ours, and in dying, Allison left us to capture, seize, and savor the times that are ours.

We celebrated her life four years ago tonight and tomorrow. And we have not stopped. I don't know who I am supposed to be, but I will keep learning, trying, and honoring. It's a gift to have this day.