My new year seems to begin today, or has, since that year and day in 2007. That day, that moment, that second, where my heart beat with hers, until it didn't. That new year when the first nine days were spent in a hospital room, celebrating, enduring, crying, laughing, living, dying. That new year when I don't recall any celebrations or pleasantries shared, no "happy new year" wishes, because, after all, we weren't happy. The definition of "happy" was changed as we knew it, as was "merry" and "great" and "wonderful" and "joyful"...our baby girl, yes, 21 year old that she was, was dying. And nothing about the new year rang true.
Now, in this fourth year since her passing, I have come to realize that my new year begins today. It began at 7:00 a.m. this morning. I don't know what I did on year one, year two, year three, since she has been gone, and I don't know what I will do in the future. I probably won't know what I did today. It doesn't matter, anyway. It is what it is, and the spirit guides us through what is a day that no parent, no sibling, no family, should know. But we do, don't we? Loved ones leave us every day, every minute, every year, and yet, we are stunned when it happens again and again. We don't know how to plan for a day such as this. How do you honor this life? How do you seize this day? What do you DO to help it pass, or go away, or celebrate it? If only someone could tell me. But they cannot. So, we take our individual preferences or desires, blend them with the ones who are here, and honor the spirit that soars. And we find what gives us meaning. Today will be like any other day. Only it really isn't. It is the day our Allison was set free and pain and worries and complexities of THIS life became but a memory. She set foot in the heaven, at the foot of the throne of grace and mercy, never to return in physical form again.
The physical form is what we miss the most. When I can stay focused on where she is, what has happened, how the skies opened up in an array of color blossoms on a cold, winter day, and how the world seemed to stop and pause for a second, I can find my peace. When I recall the answer to prayers that were cried out in the final days, I can know my God. And when I know that in order to fulfill a plan that is beyond my own comprehension, she had to go, I can understand...if only for a moment. I can understand what seizing the day means and find new relevance in a new year. It has nothing to do with the calendar turning, and everything to do with where God wants us to be. I can breathe and say to myself, my new year begins right now, I am nine days behind everyone else, but it does not matter. It's only time. And where Allison is, there is no time, there is no confinement, there are no deadlines, and appropriate time frames, there's only freedom, bliss, wonder, hope, love and longevity in the hereafter.
My new year begins today...while a very bittersweet day, this is not a day for death. That was last week. That was last month. As God's word affirms, there is that time for dying, and for living. She was set free to live. She did not die. Her love is even stronger than if she were in this room right now. She was set free so that others may live. Or die. She was chosen from a host of holy warriors. And she answered the call. And until we meet again, and while I am "forced" to follow a calendar, today, January 9th, 7:00 a.m. will always begin my new year.
Happy new year to my sweet Allie, my compass, my guide. Happy new year to my child, who reminds me that we are ALL children in the eyes of God. One day we will be with her, and Him, and all those we love, and our age won't matter, the calender won't matter, nothing will matter. Worries will be gone, extinguished. We will be set free.
Happy new year, to the child I rocked in my arms, four years ago last night, who I was blessed to give birth to, and who I was blessed to know, for 21 years, and into eternity. Happy new year to the one who whispers her love and gratitude to me in ways I could have never imagined possible. Happy new year to my beloved, Allison Marie Haake, who rests in eternal peace.
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