Be My Valentine

The stores are packed with the pinks and reds of the season, have been since right after Christmas, I suppose. I didn't get out much. Lately, I have been out a bit more and the Valentine displays tug at my heart. I suppose that is what they are meant to do! And of course, like any other day in the walk of life and loss, my mind drifts, my heart aches, my spirit soars, only to plummet with the reality...she is gone. No Valentine cards or gifts to buy, no care package to send to college, no special little touches or baked goods for her. So, what is a mother to do? This mother chooses to redirect the energy. The energy that once went into TWO daughters, and one husband, our family of four, and those in my immediate circle. The energy that once was "easy" and "comfortable" and "natural". The energy that is no longer any of the above, yet, still ALL of the above. Too difficult to explain. And for those who journey with me, no explanation is needed.

I redirect. I give to myself so that I may give to others. Not necessarily in the monetary way. Maybe it's that cup of coffee I chose to have this morning, in bed no less, with Rex curled up beside me. Maybe it is making cake balls with love and patience for a little gathering I am having soon. Maybe it is taking time in the late afternoon and writing out cards to two mothers who lost their sons this very week, one year ago, two years ago. Maybe it is going and getting a facial and enjoying the "luxury" it provides, that I once would never have afforded myself. Maybe it is making that fudge for someone special and putting it in the mail. Maybe, I believe, by doing what I like to do, taking care of me, and others, I am finding a way for her, my Allie, to still be my Valentine.

This year I even put the vinyl clings on the windows and a Valentine tablecloth on the table. My hand runs along the little hearts and lingers on the pink. The pink in the house is her. The pink is love. The pink is comfort and God's grace and a reminder that any day needs brightening, for myself, and for others.

I talk myself through yet another little milestone. It's the memories. It's the moments. It's the candy, her favorite, her joy at cards, and the sentiments within. It's her humor in a funny card and it's her smile upon opening a gift given in love, from the smallest trinkets to the biggest treasure. It's the heart she always wrote above her name. It's Valentine's Day. Everyday.

As I went about my week, something compelled me to look through pictures the other day. Not for Valentine's Day, but just because. So, I followed my spirit, until the pain came, and I had to close the drawer. But, then, stuck in the back was a folded piece of paper. I opened it up and didn't know whether to rejoice, recoil, hold it tight, laugh, cry, say my prayers, and praise the angels! So, I did just about all of that. It was a Valentine, her Valentine to me, I don't know when, and I only wish I had marked the date. But, it does not matter. There it was, as I was saying to myself that I/we have come through FIVE Valentine Days without her, wondering how the months and years can pass and I can STILL find myself in this walk of grief, longing for my child. Longing to see and know her as a soon to be 26 year old. And just as I was thinking to myself, there it was...and it felt like a whisper from above, "BE MY VALENTINE, MOM", Be My Valentine.