Packing...Again!

As I am packing the green suitcase that has travelled many miles over the years, especially in the years since Allie has been gone, I am melancholy, I am thankful, I am blessed, I feel the full spectrum of emotions. And one constant thought filters through my heart, if not for her death, I would not be packing. I don't know what life would have held, had cancer and death NOT visited our family. I cannot even fathom where I would be right now, WHO I would be, had she not left us when she did. I try not to dwell on it, because it is never to be what it WAS again. And as thrilled and joyous as I feel about packing for yet another trip of a lifetime, I can only imagine what it would be like if SHE were packing, with us, with her sister, with my sister, with me, shooting e-mails and texts about what we are bringing and what we plan to do, and sharing the information we have learned, and looking forward to those banana daiquiri drinks with umbrellas adorning each one! I can only imagine...

Should I imagine? Should I be so vulnerable to tears, wondering what it would be like? Should I look at the suitcase and wonder what she would look like, what she would bring, what she would wear? Should I even go there? No answers. I just do. And when I do, and feel at my saddest, I remember. I remember that we are probably going BECAUSE OF HER, BECAUSE OF MICHAEL, because each day holds something new, now, now that we know. Now that we know the pain of loss and grief. Now that we know that next year is not promised, not even tomorrow is promised. We take advantage of what we can and new horizons when they rise up, and, so, we pack, again!

Packing and anticipating is usually half the fun. We already know it will go by way too fast, our four nights on St. Thomas Island. We already know, from perusing the internet and reading the brochures, we are going to paradise. We look forward to it with a zest for life, and I pray to appreciate it, savor each moment, my feet in the sand, taking in the sunrises or sunsets, perhaps trying new food and drinks, but most of all, appreciating with a new zeal for life, the time with my daughter and my sister. Yes, I am packing again, I thank God for the blessing of resourses, and in my sadness, I know it is Allison I need to also thank, she gives and gives and gives, through her spirit and her life. Even in death, she is helping me pack, again!

I shall miss her. The grief will not go away. It is not washed away by spending time at the beach. But the grief spurs me on when I am almost too exhausted, emotionally, to even think about going. That's why I don't think. I just take it as it comes. And in my heart of hearts, as I remember ours entwined until the end, I know she is pleased. She will be there. She will hover. She will whisper. She will guide. She will be smiling. She knows. She knows we are there because we are learning. Learning how to take the baby steps, the monumental steps, actually stepping out and leaving our comfort zones, taking advantage of new opportunities, learning what she told me, "I came into this world without anything, now I leave without anything". How true. And how profound for a 21 year old.

I take her in my suitcase, I take her in my beach things, I take her on each trip and journey of my life, and I take her in my heart. I am packing. Again.