Here If You Need Me

In the darkness of early morning, I woke from a dream. In this dream, Allison drove home from Chicago, in a red sports car, and had called to tell me she would come home in a few days. Instead, she appeared in a few minutes, as a glorious surprise. She had her casual, "tomboy" look about her, hair pulled back in one of her famous headbands, tattered jeans and her woolen clogs, topped off, naturally, with a hooded sweatshirt, bearing the name of her very favorite town, HULL. She used to wear it around here, for years, and back in the day, St. Louisans thought she was a hockey player fan! But no, this bore the name of her slice of heaven on earth, the place we visited her aunt and uncle almost every summer of her life. She was a true Hullonian if there ever was one, and now, we continue those visits, and bring new people to Allison's haven on earth. She was there, just as in real life, and her presence was so profound that I awakened with joy, with the desire to see her, when, of course, I realized it was just a dream. Tears sprang to my eyes and an instant headache came upon me, probably from holding back tears in my sleep. At some deep level in the corners of my being, I knew it wasn't real. But as we do in restless sleep, I wrestled with it, hoped for it, clung to it for just a moment, yes, that desire to hear her, see her, feel her, hold her. As I tossed and turned, wanting to wake up, but also desiring not to, she stood at our front door and simply said, "I am here if you need me."

I have long since stopped trying to decipher or determine what dreams mean. I do my best to take them as they are and not project gladness or doom. I have learned to accept them, go with them, and just let them be. However, I must admit that some have left me intensely sad, probably because for that brief moment, I thought this real life was the dream, not the other way around. I won't deny that when the dream comes, sometimes I would prefer to stay in that state than face what is truly mine to face. So this morning, I take from it what it was, the altered state of mind and subconscious, coming together, bringing Allison in true form to be heard and felt and sensing her message. Again, I try not to read too much into it, and find comfort from the words or images. I do hear her words from the dream, often, and I know she is there if I need her. We all do. Not in some tangible way, but in a spirit that never leaves us, that penetrates our hearts with every beat, and that finds a new way to continue the loving relationship of mother and child, or father and child, or sister to sister. The beauty of all of this is we don't have to let her go, as some would say. We are learning that she is part of us, for eternity, and that we can continue on with her alive in our hearts.

Allison chose the scripture, John 3:16 for her confirmation, and we had talked about that a few times. She knew, early on, that God, too, was here for her, and for me, and for anyone who chooses to ask and accept. Maybe she was reminding me, this day, that not only is she here if I need her, but that He is, too. I try not to forget, ever, that God and God alone will walk this journey with me. He is the one constant who promises to bring the peace and comfort that only He can bring. Indeed, He provides angels and loving care in the form of family and friends, husbands, sisters, brothers, daughters, and a whole spectrum of support. But no one knows our hearts like He does, no one can cure and protect and care while promising grace and mercy. It's a beautiful gift to know we do not walk alone.

I often wondered if God had told me the outcome of the situations of my life, how would I have prepared, how would I have gone on, how would I have imagined having enough strength and perseverance to keep living. I suppose that is why each new day is its own and we get the opportunity to make decisions around the challenges and the joys. I, for one, am grateful to have my guiding angel here if I need her, and most of all, the Loving Father, who I need for every step. On days I don't know how to do this, or how to pray, or what to ask for, He knows. In moments when I can't possibly imagine finding joy with a broken heart, He knows, and opens a door or window. When days come and the grief stops me in my tracks, He opens the clouds, or sun, or sends the pink beams through the window to help me breathe or He sends someone in need for me to help and nurture. God is good and powerful and all knowing, and I am so grateful He is here when I need Him.