Love Heals

"They" say that time heals, I am not sure I agree. Maybe there just hasn't been enough time yet. Maybe time has seemed to stand still, yet not. Time and healing MAY go together, but I don't think so, not yet. Maybe someday, one day, I will wake up and realize the experts are right, but for now, I just don't know. What I do know, and feel for my/our personal situation, is that LOVE heals. The love of our child gone, the love of our child present, the love of husband and wife, the love of sisters and brothers, friends and family.

When I/we first lost Allison, I recall thinking that I hope to never hurt this way again. Jennifer had a trip planned within the first month and my words encouraged her to go, but my heart could barely take it. Now I knew the full extent (or was beginning to) of the loss of a child and it was all I could do to just hold her here, to never let her drive again, or go out again, or fly off to a destination again. I found I wanted to hold everything so dear to me, right here, as if I had some control over whether I lost a child or loved one again. I didn't want us to part, as if the cocoon of family could prevent illness, pain, or death. What I have come to know is that the love of mother to child, husband to wife, sister to sibling, daughter to mother, friend to friend, allows you to give and take, allows you to release and let go, allows you to encourage and support, allows you to know we can be there for each other, but that holding on, too tightly, does not keep "things" from happening. So, we learn to live and love and laugh and heal, all in our own time...maybe TIME IS the healer!

The best gift of all is that love goes on and never ends, no matter whether we walk in this lifetime or in our eternal life. I remember a friend of ours telling me at Allison's visitation that now I can carry her in my heart forever, just like he does with his father. He told me then that it's as if his father is more alive and with him than when he was physically present. I didn't quite understand what he meant, but now I do. There is a unique and sometimes strange comfort to carrying Allison in my heart, even while I recognize that there is a huge hole in the fabric of my life now, wanting to scream out, "this cannot be", or "I miss you so desperately", or "how can you really be gone?". I still find myself wanting to disappear into a puddle of tears, to escape the reality of loss, to never, ever feel this again, and to even spare those I love from this unbelievable, indescribable heartache. But, I know I cannot. Not one of us is immune from loss, it is inevitable, it is planned, and it is life. The good news in all of it is that we carry that person in a heart that is big enough, bold enough and brave enough to sustain more than we could have imagined.

I know and believe God's love and promise is the ultimate healer, and I am open to time being a healer, too. I am so grateful for His promise of salvation and that our separation from our loved ones is truly temporary, not permanent. That promise, along with His love, gives me the will, desire, purpose to live this day, extend the love, accept the love, and carry the love of Allison and all who have gone before me in my heart, and embrace the love of those on earth who I focus on each day, while I can. I am thankful for this day and every day I have to be enveloped in love and healing.