How Do You Do It?

I get asked this question quite often...and there is really a wide spectrum of answers...How do you do it? When asked this, friends and family are really asking, how do you go on? How do you cope? How do you face life without your child? Maybe they are asking more. And always, my answer varies, yet there is one constant and that is without God above I know I would not be anywhere close to living a life, a full life, after losing a child, burying my young, vibrant, seemingly healthy 21 year old. As another mother I know is living in the physical pain of childbirth, only to be replaced by the pain and grief of releasing her baby, Faith, to God above, three days later, my heart hurts and I feel pain in places I never knew existed. That is how it has been since my own daughter left.

I wonder if there is a difference in losing a baby, no matter what the age, a toddler, a young child or an adult child on the threshold of her life. The pain has to be as intense, I guess it is just different. So many times I am thankful and blessed that we had Allison in our physical life for 21 years, that I have a short lifetime of memories to sustain me, that we got to see her plan for her life, and live so much of it in a short time. Yet, other parts of me yearn for the moment when I could see what she would have become, what she would look like, how she would be enjoying what was robbed by cancer. Today, though, I ache for Erica and her husband as they plan to lay to rest their three day old daughter.

So, back to the question...how do you do it? You do it because you must, to honor that loved one, to breathe for her, to make her proud, to make her smile, and believe me, when they are gone from your physical grasp, you can feel that smile, that nudge, that whisper, that love, in all parts of your mother's soul. As you felt the heartbeat grow stronger under your own heart as you carried that child, now she simply and yet magnificently resides there forever, and every beat of your heart cries out in happiness, pain, joy and sorrow, just as it did when she experienced life and you shared it with her. You do it because any kind of movement is necessary to feel again, to release some of the numbness, in time. You do it because you have others living and breathing with you, another daughter, a husband, a family and friends. You do it because to not do so would dishonor the life God has given me at this moment.

I cannot bear to look down the road of years without Allison, so I don't. I have today. That is all I know. And for today, I will do one new thing, find one new way, ask God as I do everyday to help me find my way, to show me what needs to be done, and I will listen. I will cherish every thing that used to be passed by or over very quickly. I will take the time to learn a new skill or give of myself to others. I will pray and I will be sustained. I will live this one day.