Summer Reading

I always loved reading in the summer. I could abandon the 10 pound college books as I worked on my Master's Degree, and I could leave behind the assigned books that were to lead to professional conversations, that is, until I went to a 12 month contract...not that I am complaining, I loved it, walking in a school building any time of year was a thrill, never knowing what the day would bring. So, once I went to school every day of the year, I saved my reading for beach time, twice a year, once to Hull and once to Florida and I would start reading upon take-off, keep reading through the vacation, and continue through landing! This summer, as I spent longer than usual in Hull, and an incredible time on the beach with friends and family, I read four books in three weeks...all fiction. I started with my favorite author, James Patterson, easy yet exhilarating reads, not having to think or reflect, just read and enjoy. One book was one chapter from being complete on the ride to Boston! I followed up with another one in a two day period. Then I needed more, I had brought two with me, selecting them from just looking at the cover and reading the back. I seem to be always drawn to books set in New England or Nantucket Island...imagine! So, when I chose these books, there was no indication that there would be anything but mindless stories of the lives of the women described on the cover. Yet, inside, as the stories unfolded, there were so many similarities to my life that I wondered why I hadn't written them. But they were fiction. Yet, they were not.

The first one was about two sisters, brought apart by family dysfunction early in life, but brought back together, with one ending up taking care of the other through a cancer diagnosis and treatment. As I read I found myself almost holding my breath, remembering all too well part of life that is best not thought of too often. I should have put it down, stopped, but somehow, like my own life and thoughts, I couldn't. The images were real and the remembering was difficult, yet I kept going. I have always had this "thing" that if I start a book, I must finish, and part of me just didn't want to go on, but I did, and for some strange reason, I knew I was meant to read that book. As if that were not enough, the second one, thought by me to be a light hearted saga of a summer on the island, not far from where I had just spent a week with my sister and four others, was far from the light reading I had expected. The ladies come to their cottage by the sea to spend a summer and face their burdens and issues. One leading character brought with her a new diagnosis of lung cancer. Again, I wondered, should I abandon this now or keep on reading...and true to form, I kept on reading. I am one, also, to believe, that if I have chosen a book it is for a distinct reason, but I began to wonder as I literally held my breath when the character's breathing got worse, when the treatments were intense, when the procedures patterned our own real-life story, the non-fiction of Allison's life, of our lives.

I literally almost felt a panic attack on the plane as I read the final chapters. I don't really know if I have ever had a true panic attack, but I think I came as close as ever when finishing the book. It was fiction, after all, but it was clear that the author had a purpose in sharing the pertinent details of lung cancer and the mental, emotional, physical toll it takes, that any cancer takes.

I had lost track of time on this two and a half week journey, spending time in my sister's town, while she visited my brother in law every day as he underwent a stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma, a blood cancer. While it was definitely vacation in our own cottage by the sea, shared the first week with women friends, then with Joe and Jennifer, the visit sparked so much more. This was also Allison's town, spending her summers and planning to do so for the rest of her life. And just three short summers ago, there we all were, in early August, for a once in a lifetime family reunion, cousins meeting cousins and all of our children. It was a memory overshadowed a bit by Allison's crankiness and inability to feel well as she got winded doing the simple tasks that once were part of her everyday life. Nine weeks later she had a lung cancer diagnosis and eleven weeks after that she was gone.

The visit, the summer reading, the memories, the diagnosis of my brother in law have all played havoc with my soul. I am sad and I am overwhelmed that she was not with us to share in the summer of 2009, just like she did every other summer that we could get there. I kept waiting to see her walk up the beach with her sister, to lay around in her Hull sweatshirt, to eat lobsters, to share in the moment. My heart aches with the desire to turn back the clock, still and always. Yet, not in the way I would have expected, there she was, in the pink sunsets, mid-day clouds, in the rolling waves, in the laughter of the house, in the way others shared stories about her, and in the complete and full double rainbow over the ocean. She whispers to us that she is guiding us and taking us places we would have never been, feeling and knowing that this is part of the plan laid out just for us, walking her uncle through his transplant and recovery, giving her aunt strength to keep going with hope and love, inspiring her sister to spend a week with her parents, just being and laughing and enjoying, for herself, but also for the one who left before us.

The summer reading brought about a purpose, it made me feel and know and re-live certain parts I would prefer to lay to rest, yet it brings me one step closer to acceptance, acceptance of what was and what is and what is to come. I know not where I will be today or tomorrow, but I trust I am guided by a loving Father who does, who has used Allison in such powerful ways that we would never have experienced, and for that we know this is a day to be grateful.