Never Ending Strength

I have accomplished much in my life that I would never, ever have imagined, and I am continually amazed and convinced that the God-given strength never runs dry. By His grace I am here, upright, making movement, even if it is ever so slowly, this day after one of the greatest acts of love we have ever been called upon to give, to lay Barkley to rest. Even as I write this, I am expecting him to follow me to this room and lie down beside me as he does every time I am at the computer, to trot behind me as I have coffee in my selected spot of my home, and to look at me with those eyes, indicating his need for the moment. His unconditional love has brought this family through so many of life's changes, even in the seven short years he has been our boy. He brought a joy that can never be described and he "had us from hello" as the song goes.

As with losses in life, I am barely able, right now to recall the memories. The events of the last weeks are more in my mind and heart and soul. But, as I have learned from experience, the days of torturing decisions and intense heartbreak will give way and I will be able to smile again, we will laugh again, we will remember. Right now, for this day, it is all too raw. It seems as if no more tears can be shed. We have lost our constant companion, and with him, yet another piece of our daughter and sister has gone on, too. Yes, she's been gone, but as he lived, so did she. Now, all I can envision is their happy times here on earth and them being entwined as sweet souls, meant for one another through a destiny that no one can ever explain.

We have asked God and Allison to give us the strength needed to do what was right for Barkley, not what we wanted. How we were going to give up the routines, the wagging tail, the greetings at the door, the waiting for hours by the window when I ran my errands, we just didn't know. But for his sake, and our greatest love, we knew that soon, he would suffer more, and as the quality of life diminished, day by day, we once again, looked at the blessings of his entry into our lives, and we gave him his greatest gift by letting him go.

So, this day, with pain and loss in my heart, and no more tears to shed, I am weary, I am heartbroken, but I am strong. God keeps giving and giving and we never run out of strength. He understands when I am torn or upset or even angry. He knows the grief of my heart, just as he knew when all creatures were created, all creatures leave. We know not when, but we know that in His perfect timing, the circle of life continues. It was Barkley's time and the messages I have received in many forms indicate that in being his time, it is my time. I know not for what, but I know that God is preparing me for something, maybe right around the corner, maybe in a month, maybe next year. He is taking Barkley so that I may move from the confines of this house, that for over two years I have tended and cared and medicated and massaged and loved that dog with all my being, and now God's message is that it is time for a new direction, a new life. Trusting Him to know that is a beautiful knowledge and it provides me with hope. I will find my way with Him as my compass.

But, for today, I grieve, and I miss my life as I knew it, my beautiful, vibrant daughter and my constant companion, my buddy, my comforter, my boy, Barkley.