Some Days

Some days just have more significance than others, and of late, all days conjur so much in my heart and soul. I desperately desire to move past the memories of two years ago, where each day for eleven weeks revolved around the biggest change of all, a cancer diagnosis. I have gained a first hand knowledge through many book sources and healing modalities, including varying types of therapy, that the post traumatic shock can take years to even begin to wear off, and there is no timeframe. That is a relief in some ways, because I don't want to be "stuck" in a holding pattern. For me, that would mean life stood still in that timeframe and hasn't moved a bit. I work hard and diligently not to let that happen. Yet, the crisp autumn beauty and pre-holiday season, while in the past, my "favorite" time of year, now sends triggers of emotion that I cannot even begin to be prepared for, at times. Triggers, as I call them, come at the most interesting of times, and I am learning to let them come, use the strategies that I have acquired, not supress, and hopefully, recognize that it's just fine to hold that place for a bit, then move it to another place, knowing I will visit it again. Some days are just that, some days, yet they all hold the beauty, wonderment and blessings, even when I have to look deep.

I don't have to look deep this day to see the blazing pinks, reds, oranges and yellows that are illuminating my entire house. A smile comes to my heart as I think of this day, a 31 year anniversary for Joe and me, a marriage that has withstood many tests and trials, but has without a doubt brought many joys. I ponder just how this could be, with so many marriages ending in divorce, just how this one has lasted, endured, thrived and flourished. The one answer that comes to mind is the commitment and faith in God, vows that at the time were words of a ceremony, but words that later meant more than we would ever know. I do remember that day and how I almost came to tears at the alter when I made that vow. Someone joked later about me not knowing what I was getting into and wondered if that was why...I laughed right along with them, not telling them that my emotion came from such a powerful sense that God was blessing this marriage, and I was right! There can be no other explanation as to why we are still here, standing strong, and holding on to the sacrament of a long lasting marriage.

I also don't have to look deep into this day to find another significance, 14 years ago, on our 17th wedding anniversary, my mother passed into eternal peace. That day had the same autumn glow, with a strong hint of Indian Summer, just like my wedding day, and after very intense suffering and pain, I recall so vividly, falling to my knees while folding laundry, asking God to share His desire and plan for her, and to please do what was best. I believe this was the first out loud conversation I really had with God. Before, I had been raised that prayers were mostly said quietly, and even in that, they were recited, memorized prayers, I didn't really know much about a conversational prayer. It didn't matter, I just talked, and asked, and laid it all at His feet, and lo and behold, the answer came, 15 minutes later, when the nurse called to say that if I would like to see her, I should come soon. There was never so much relief, never so much grief, my first learning experience with the intensity of loss, yet at that moment, I knew, once again, that God will not forsake me when I walk in faith. I didn't ask him to spare her life or beg for her to live, I asked that His will be done. He found the answer and my mother received her miracle.

Some have asked me over the years if the date of our wedding anniversary is painful because of the blended memories, and I have honestly always answered, no! I almost am grateful, because I did perceive her passing as an anniversary gift of sorts, for it opened up a relationship with God that may have never happened, and I certainly couldn't have understood just what that day prepared me for in life. Yes, another blessing in broken times.

I love this day, I am seizing it, embracing it the best I can, triggers and all, memories and all, emotions and pain, even as the beauty of it evolves, yet, grateful for another year, another memory, another day, love to all, Kathy