Blessings Flow

With every tear that is falling down my cheeks, that wakes me in the night, with the memories and triggers of this holiday, Allison's very favorite, even over Christmas, I have determined, it must have been her favorite because it represented her, in oh so many ways. That thought just dawned on me...it defined her, it told so much about her. It is and was family day, simple and tight, and warm and loving. It held no expectations, no glam or glitter! Nothing fancy, yet comforting. Plenty of food and a simple state of being. Some years we would share our reason for being thankful. Some years a simple prayer, some, a more profound blessing of praise. But always, a small family gathered in the country or at Aunt Kathy's, with Aunt Karen sometimes arriving that very evening. Sometimes there were games. Sometimes we just read books, colored or did puzzles. Sometimes we made crafts. But always, there were no expectations. You could just be, and I have to believe that is what she savored about the day. Plus, she loved it when "the fam", as she called our family, was together.

So, here we are, on the eve of another holiday, and I tell myself it is not unlike any other day. But I can't kid myself, she is not coming in from the train or plane, with the bags and the smile and the hug and the laughter. And because of that, nothing is ever the same. Ever. Yes, we are ever so grateful to have had her in our lives, to have known her, to hold her, to love her, but until your heart and soul physically aches from the missing piece, one just cannot comprehend how difficult it is to learn the new way of having her here, in spirit, in our hearts, in our prayers, and in our lives. That tangible, physical presence is missing and it takes every ounce of strength to carry on...but carry on, we will.

In spite of this indescribable loss, the blessings flow. Every day, not just today or tomorrow, I write in my blessing journal, and look for the top 5 blessings of the day. I know I repeat myself and I know that in the early months of Allison being gone, I couldn't look past the same few. But my eyes are widened and I see, and I know, and I feel. And I am thankful, grateful to a loving God who continues the showering of blessings.

I am most thankful for the strength God has given this family, mainly two parents who could have parted ways and let the loss destroy us, rather than work it all out for good. I am thankful we are finding our way to respect one another's "place" and where they are at the moment, honoring each other's feelings, knowing that in the next 60 seconds anything can change. I am thankful for two daughters, one who shows her strength and honor to herself and her sister who left this world before her, and one who guides us with a force that won't allow us to quit. I am thankful that God shows me how to take advantage of opportunities to assist others and has given me the gift of time and resources and the "wherewithall" to step outside of myself. I am thankful for the simple pleasures that I may not have known had this experience not touched our lives. I am thankful for the few who allow me to share a bit of where I really am in the process and not turn the discussion elsewhere. Those are brave souls who can step outside their own pain and loss or discomfort and allow me to share for a minute, with honesty, just how I am "really" doing. They want to know. I am thankful for the wonderful support of family and friends, the card, the e-mail, the call, the visit, just when I need it. I am thankful to those who know while Allison has been gone close to three years, to us, it's as if she just left. I am thankful to those who follow their heart and spirit to reach out to other grieving parents, never knowing how that can light their lives. I am thankful to those who put meaning to the words "we must get together" and not let too much time escape. I am thankful to those who schedule time with me but understand when I say it is not a good day, can we do this another time! I am thankful that God has shown me there is nothing to worry about, that none of what happens in my life is within my control and that He will take it all if I lay it at His feet. I am thankful for the people who have come into my life as a result of their loss, or ours, and while I wish it could have been under different circumstances, I know it would never have happened had it not been part of the bigger plan. I am thankful that there is promise in God's word that no matter where we are, this is all temporal, and none of it means anything if we don't believe. I am thankful for a spiritual walk that began years ago and is developing over time. I am thankful for life.

I know, this day, and every day, I am not the only grieving mother, all one has to do is watch the news, answer the phone, read the statistics, or hear from friends how the numbers are growing every day. I know that several have walked through my door just this year, looking for that person who might understand, or relate in some way that the rest of the world cannot. Each one of us has a different story, yet one thing in common, there is no need for the Thanksgiving plate to be sat out, there is an empty seat at the table, there is a new family puzzle to put together, the family photo will look blatantly different. There are no words to describe that feeling. Yet, each mother, father, sister, brother, family member will find their way. We must. We will. We wiil praise God from whom all blessings flow.