Dear Allison

Dear Allison, my journal today is a letter to you, I will pour out my heart and maybe convey my deepest feelings this day. I don't know why I have chosen this format, perhaps because you are so close to us this month, these final weeks God gave us to spend with you, and now, imagine our intense amazement to know November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month. I can only speculate that makes you very happy, and I know that from the feeling in my heart, although heavy with grief, lightened by the pink sunrises and sunsets of this past week, leading up to the first 5K Lung Cancer Fun Run/Walk where yesterday, hundreds gathered to honor their loved ones, or stand up as survivors. You know there are not many, so when a survivor can proudly stand and say they are beating this dreaded cancer, that is a gift, to them and to their family, and to others. Although, I must tell you that was one of the most difficult parts of the day, yesterday, wanting so much to see you there, standing with the rest, bald head shining, eyes brightening the skies, I so wanted you there, but I know you were. You were in every part of it, and since you were always about helping people on earth, I know how proud you would be of all of us for getting the word out, the awareness, the staggering statistics. Through it all, your face shines as an example of how this is not a smoker's disease, how it can touch and impact lives beyond reproach, and how devastating it can be...I want you to know I do my best not to dwell on the rough days of cancer, the pain, the lack of air, the procedures you went through, I really try. I ask God above to help me remember you as you were, a young woman who just took life as it was, who smiled through the whole journey, even through the pain and tears. Could you have known, could any of us have known, just what gift you would leave us? Could any of us projected we would be walking or running in a 5K event, where you, among many others, were a shining star? Could we have ever imagined we could possibly do the things we have been called upon to do since you left our arms, our home, our lives?

You would be so proud, of your sister, father, aunt, uncle, friends and friends of friends. Your grandparents, too, who came out and walked in spite of their own pain or limitations. It was so difficult to see your name on the back of nearly one hundred walkers or runners, yet, it was rewarding too. Because of you and your legacy you are teaching from the spirit world in which you now reside. And because of you, our lives are never to be the same, nothing can get us down or cause us anxiety, nor will we ever complain again. You have shown us how to live.

Today I am not smiling, but yesterday I could. Today I grieve, for many reasons and that is okay. I will keep on, I will be productive, I will find my way, and I will smile when I can. You brought us joy and hope and pride, and most of all, love, to make it through a day such as yesterday. There are sunny days and there are cloudy days, and appropriately, today, is a day for clouds and gray skies and gloom, but in an instant, all that will change, and we will be guided, once again, by you, and the loving Father who holds you most dear.

I know your work on earth was finished. I know that deep in my heart. If you were alive and well, your work would be limited to a classroom, or the circle of your friends and family. But you were destined for bigger and better. Your time had come to influence and guide from afar. That thought doesn't always make it easier, but God is helping me find peace that passes all understanding. I will never get it. I don't try to. There is no answer to how or why you got lung cancer. At least no tangible reason. There are many spiritual purposes, though. So many know and understand and feel blessed that they can get through their trial because of you, and because of how your family has responded. There is such a bigger purpose and you are helping us find it.

Allison, my precious daughter, as the tears fall and I know in my heart that you are my hero, I must end and say thank you, thank you for the day yesterday, for spurring us on, for enlightening so many others, for helping us stay focused, see new perspectives, meet new loving and caring people, for giving strength to your sister, father, me. As I look at the photo of the three of us, you are so definitely missing, at least in the physical sense. But, there you were, in the clouds, in the pink sunrise, in the solitary benches, in the tears of others, in the smiles of joy as others completed their run, in the eyes of those beloved friends who came out to support us, and in those who could not be physically present but held us up in thought or prayer, in it all, you were there.