Go On

Today I need to see her face, her smile, feel her energy and know she is here. I need to remind myself that she is here and is letting me know that it is good to go on. She is saying "Go On, Mom, You Can Do It, I am With You".

Sometimes, like today, the small things, are the big things. And I will go on. If I am to find new life, I must go through this. I cannot go around it. I must learn what is mine to learn and walk on through. I must keep my eyes open to the possibilities that come from this new life, seize the day, the moment, and not even worry or concern myself with nightfall. I have to get through this time. For no rhyme or reason, sadness consumes me at times, then washes away, and I can go on. I visit that place of darkness for a bit, but it's as if that smile of hers just won't let me dwell too long. She didn't, even in the valley of cancer. She brought it on, tackled it, made decisions based on fact and truth, dealt with her own reality, and kept living, playing, smiling.

I have the strength to be myself, to live through this for me, then for my family, my husband, my daughter. I am human and I am hurting and there is no timeframe to "get on with life" or to "get over it". I am allowing myself to understand that this burden of losing one's child is the most complex and painful known to a mother or a father. And even in that, we lose and we grieve differently. It is a journey we walk as a couple, a family and it is a journey meant for each individual. No two of us are the same as to how we go on, live, and find our way. It takes courage to let the grief flow, and that doesn't mean in terms of tears. Yes, those come. But not always. Sometimes the pain is so deep, the natural flow of tears just won't release. So, I learn other ways, I strive to be honest in my way of handling this, not "positive" or unnaturally calm, but true to myself and my soul. You cannot run into me at Target or Kohl's or even stop by on a whim and know the true story, the reality of grief. That snippet may show a composed and put together person, but it doesn't tell the story of the day or the moment or my life. It may make that acquaintance or friend feel better, but only when you see and hear my inner thoughts and feelings will you know what is really the case, or the source of my strength. That comes from God and His infinite wisdom as to what I need and when I need it. He is my light and my hope and my faith that this too shall pass, this minute when I don't know how to breathe, will be gone. And I can find that picture, tangible or otherwise, and I can go on. That smile says it all, and through it all, I, too, will keep smiling. Smiling through the rough days, the pain, and the tears, when they fall.

I will go on and I will be open to new ways of resolving my grief. I find myself in a new country, so to speak, I will be patient with myself and others, and I will heal. I will live through this, somehow, some way, all the while, remembering that smile.